Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I want to walk in the light

I write this new post not even knowing what I will write about. I have felt pulled away from Blogging. Not even reading the blogs that I so enjoyed before. I don't really understand where He is leading me. So often I step forward in faith, trying to bring Him out into the world and my small effort is misunderstood. How does that happen? Last night I read a passage in a book I am your Jesus of Mercy, a lesson on obedience. Jesus said,"to have an open heart is to accept what I give you gratefully, trusting that I WILL PROVIDE. To have an open heart is NOT placing emphasis and value on YOUR interpretations of what is good and what is bad. It is remaining neutral and open. It is remaining without judgement as much as possible."

How do I do this? It, for me is so difficult to stay neutral.
If you don't know I have a 19 year old daughter. She is very beautiful. I find myself arguing with her about things, our faith. She knows her faith some what, but the world is pulling her away. This past week her friends have come home from college. She did some things that disappointed me and her father. We made her leave her fun Sunday evening and come home. She was furious and told me that I was making her not want to practice her faith, making her not want to go to church. She was saying things that insinuated that the rules were too hard and she needed to bend them a little. I see this happening so much in our church, our faith. I sat down and explained to her that we had only two choices, heaven or hell. We, her father and I had to stand firm in asking her to follow the commandments. That is all we ask of her, I told her. She explained how other parents allowed their children( adult children) to do so many things that we did not allow. Again I said, honor thy father and thy mother and keep holy the Sabbath were written by God and something we chose to live by. I explained that if she missed mass intentionally she could not receive the Eucharist and that she needed to reconcile this with God at confession. She told me that she wouldn't receive and might stop going to church all together if I didn't let up. I explained to her that when this life was over, I had to know that she would be there with me enjoying life eternal. She said she was so angry at us and yet couldn't be as mad as she wanted to be. As mad as she could be, if our obsession was working out or buying clothes. How could she explain to her friends that her parents put God before things of this world. PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS! I will never stop giving all I have to Jesus through Mary. I will always asks her guardian angel to help smooth the bumps that come between us. I will not stop asking our Blessed Mother to be my lips and my voice when I am speaking to her. Dearest Jesus, please give me this "open Heart " you speak of. Allow me to be brave enough to not worry what others think or say about me. Allow me to be neutral. Help me to be a good parent. Hold my family together in faith through all obstacles, for this I pray! Amen.

Yesterday morning the first reading was a reading from the first letter of Saint John 2:3-11 BELOVED: The way we may be sure that we know Jesus is to keep his commandments. Whoever says, "I know him," but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps his word, the love of God is truly perfect in him. This is the way we may know that we are in union with him: whoever claims to abide in him ought to walk just as he walked........... With tears streaming down my cheeks I thanked Him, and I believe with those words He was thanking me. Those words were just what I needed to hear. Let us all live in His light, Happy New Year! H

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

33 Days as Monica

I arrived to morning mass, giving myself time to think about and pray for my mother. She died on this day December 16,2006. Instead, I started thinking about my grandmother, her mother, who died on December 17,1960, the year I was born. I didn't know her, but feel she held me many times those first weeks of my life. My grandmother came to our house every night for dinner. This is what my sister and brother told me about her. My mother loved her very dearly and my father who was somewhat wild, respected her and all was peaceful and typical of family life in those days(incidentally he died on December 15, 1996). I pictured her holding me and maybe giving me one finger to hold back. I pictured our eyes meeting and that simple love shared between a tiny child and their mother's mother. I was Monica then, named after my father's mother. She, my Granny Helen held me and loved me as Monica. My grandmother died, devastating my mother and removing all security in her relationship with my dad. Granny had kept him in line. My mother changed my name to Helen, after her mother and my Granny Helen, so I have lived my live as Helen Monica, two women that I really never knew. It's funny how we can love people we didn't ever know and feel their prayers and kindness through small graces given by God.
I love you Momma and hope you are with Granny Helen and Dad and all our family. This time of year continues to be hard for me as I'm sure it was for you.
You are in my prayers.

Helen Monica Putriment Maciolek

Monday, December 7, 2009

I feel ready to share

So... I am feeling a little like opening this blog spot and explaining why I haven't written. As anyone who read my past blogs I was away on Mission to Haiti. I got back on November 19Th and by mid day of the 20Th I started feeling very ill. I went to bed around 3 o'clock and feel like I barely was awake for days. Sleeping was my only comfort. I felt as though a truck had run me over. I had a small fever but was taking a combination of Tylenol and Advil(double dipping you might say) to mask the horrible pain, My glands under my armpits swelled like peas and so did the ones on the back of my head and neck. I was hungry. but when I ate I had bad indigestion. As it worsened I found it hard to drink even water. By Monday I saw the doctor and he sent me to the lab for tests. Well day after day my white and red cells dropped and my Liver (something?) increased. It got really complicated but my doctor said it was anything from Malaria to Hepatitis. After another traveler was diagnosed with Dengue fever, he figured that was probably what I had. I don't really care to revisit all of that. But, today, I feel awake and ready to maybe somehow share what I experienced. So many people and places! I will again put all to prayer. For now Keith is pulling in the driveway and Celena is hungry so I guess life may be back to normal. Maybe tomorrow I will share.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Leaving tomorrow

Thank you for putting up with me. I really can't bring myself to blog at the moment. I have no Idea why. Tomorrow night I leave for the airport. Our flight to Miami, then Haiti leaves early Tuesday morning. Please Keep me and all of the people traveling in your prayers. I pray that I am able to do what God whats of me during this trip. I feel Our Mother is guiding us. Peace to everyone. Shalom!

Monday, October 26, 2009

At a loss for words

I Have been struggling with all of the shades of true faith. How, God, do you allow us to get so separate or distant from all of the other people in our parish. How is it that a person can say, " Communion on the tongue and wine from the cup should be banned from all church." This being a person who sits on the church counsel. This same person seems to feel like EWTN is evil, old fashioned. She says what we call tradition was invented in the early centuries of the church. When I speak out about silence after receiving, she states the church is made for fellowship. I feel so confused about how different her faith is from mine. If it weren't for my husband and the church ladies in my rosary group, I would leave my church. Yet, I know I have to stay and fight for a change to happen. The thing is, I don't fight. My words certainly don't have any value in our parish. I am at a loss for words, That is why I don't write. Maybe this blogging stuff is not for me. For now at least, maybe silent prayer is the only answer.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Twenty five years and one day ago I married my husband. We were young and probably had no idea where it was going to lead us. I can't help but say that I love him twenty five times more now, than I did then. If I did the math right, we had nine thousand one hundred twenty five days to get to know each other better. And that we did. I learned that through everything, he loves me and I love him. I never could have imagined that it would be this way. I guess that is the "When two become one"

Friday, October 9, 2009

Blind faith and trust is all we have!

Yesterday I traveled to Martha's Vineyard to attend a meeting Of LCM ( little Children Of Mary) Do to circumstances, I had to make the trip all in one day. It was the birthday of my friends who heads up this group and all trips of LCM to Haiti. I enjoy spending time with my friend. During the meeting, we went over minutes of the last meeting, discussed all new business and lastly started in the prayer time discussing how we as Little children of Mary have worked on bettering ourselves for Her and the cause we work together on. As I have shared , Margaret bases all inspiration on the messages from Our Lady Queen of Peace. All of a sudden Hell broke loose right in the middle of our meet. These women, the same ones we had just shared prayers with to Our Virgin Mother,for so many different intercessions,started expressing how they didn't want to increase their faith or conform their lives to Her teachings. I can't explain it but I saw Margaret lower her head and start praying in words that all could hear if they stopped arguing and listened. They said things like," I don't want to go to confession, I don't want to attend daily mass, I am perfectly happy just the way I am." I don't know what came over me(Maybe Mary and her most beloved spouse) but all that I had studied and read during my reconsecration about her being coredemptrix and the theories on private revelation and how our Pope is asked to come upon any decision in this regard. My heart opened and poured out on the floor in front of these six women. One was crying , one was agitated. Margaret asked that anyone who wished would take a cut message out of a wooden box and share it as the closing of the meeting. Some passed , but the messages we read were about continuing with prayer, Loving Her son, and I can't even recall, but I do remember that each reading felt like a personal gift hand picked for that very moment. I (or we) may never be totally sure of the validity of the revelations of Medgorje. What I do know is that in every private revelation we are asked to understand it's content and if it is for the greater good. For me I have prayed to God that I might understand His will in all of this. He keeps bringing me to the feet of Mary, Her arms are stretched out like a teacher. She is smiling and asking us to love Her son. How can I not listen and share this with LCM. Margaret called me as I traveled home, thanking me for my words, I told her I was very glad to open my heart for Her. That was the birthday gift I could give. BLIND FAITH AND TRUST, IS ALL WE HAVE. peace!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Will be traveling in November

Oh,if anyone follows my blog. I bought my ticket to Haiti. So far I may travel bare foot and empty handed, but I feel He has asked me to go.

The start of a new journey

Tonight we profess as Secular Franciscans. I left morning mass wanting to write about Jonah and how God called one person to make a difference in the lives of the Ninavites. How he quietly and persistently spoke to Jonah asking him to bring His words in front of them. I have felt this happening in my life and expect it happens more often than anyone might believe. He went to Jonah even though Jonah didn't feel worthy. He maybe wasn't sure in his heart, that the Ninavites deserved forgiveness. Do any of us deserved the forgiveness we ask for? No, I know I don't. I just can't believe how awesome God is that He speaks right to my heart. Let me share how my morning went. This is why the subject of this blog changed.
I left mass and headed to Springfield to have my windshield resealed for the third time. I was traveling through the X when I saw a woman walking. I couldn't tell her age. She had long black hair and carried a bag in one hand that seemed to be filled with her belongings. I found myself telling Jesus I can't stop. I need the three 20$ bills to buy my passenger book for the ferry tomorrow. I kept driving and heard "you have other money, look in your wallet.". I reached into my wallet and took out three one dollar bills and started to turn my car around. This is when I heard "no, you have to give her all that is in there."( I was saving myself $2.00 for God knows what) I took the 5 one dollar bills and looking down saw a pair of car rosary beads which I felt I had to include as part of my gift to this woman. I wrapped the bills around the beads. As I drove back I found myself pleading with Jesus that I wasn't too late, that I would see which direction she went. When I saw her I pulled down a side street and parked and approached her. I said I felt that she needed these 5 dollars. She mumbled something that I really didn't understand about not helping with the post office but that her laundry would be taken care of. She sat there on the edge of a cement planter, with a wool coat over her arm and a clear bag of her belongings beside her, in white bedroom slippers that bared all but the instep of her foot. A giant smile came over her face. She started rocking back and forth like she was in a rocking chair grinning the biggest grin that didn't go away. It was like that 5 dollars was a million dollars that had been given to her. I walked back to my car and when I drove past she was still rocking and grinning. I started to cry realizing He taught me on this special day what I needed to know most. Francis is alive and living in me. In the past He has asked me to share EVERYTHING. In my heart this is what I want to do. Yet, I find myself in this world where people have no value unless they have some great job with a good salary. I don't want any of that. I just want to bring Him out into the world. Profession is a life long journey, We will walk it together.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Will I travel and speak with the ministre

This past summer I met someone that I felt was brought into my life by Our Virgin Mother. She has a very high position in Haiti and is instrumental in the passing of laws that are meant to change and better the lives of Haitian women. Somehow, it came up that her next law that she wants to work on is the legalization of abortion in the cases of incest and rape etc. As soon as she mentioned this I knew the WE had to talk. I feel that she recently has felt some sort of reconversion and maybe that was why when she heard a friend and me singing, she felt very drawn to us. Anyway, she is back in Haiti and I have been invited to travel on a mission trip in November. This mission is lead by "Little Children of Mary," Martha's Vineyard. I really have felt since early on, that I was going to speak to her about the mistake she would be making. I am writing this today to ask for prayers, that I, somehow come up with the funds to buy my plane ticket. $408.00 plus anything extra for travel. I have come up with $255.00. As of today there is still room on the flight. I know it is in God's hands, but I know your prayers will help. Also we are looking for a priest to travel with us. If you know of anyone, the trip is November 10th to the 19th and we travel from Boston to Miami, to Haiti. My heart feels that I am going, but we will see.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Can I continue to receive on the tongue

In last Sunday's bulletin our pastor published a letter written by our bishop. It stated that because of the H-1 N-1 virus we would no longer partake in the precious blood and that he strongly suggested that we no longer receive the Eucharist on the tongue. I really don't understand. THIS IS GOD! He would not allow the virus to be passed through His body and the blood. Am I wrong? Well anyway, my husband and I agreed that we would try to receive on the hand. Since I am a cantor and he is a lector, we would be on the altar and noticed receiving on the tongue after this letter was published. Our parochial vicar and the communicants seemed confused when we put up our hands in humble obedience. How does a person know where to draw the line. I have asked reputable religious friends saying people would notice. Each time I was told maybe people should notice. It seems like things are going haywire around me in many different forms. Jesus asks us to remember Him with His body and blood. He doesn't say some of the time, when danger of illness isn't likely. All I can do is think back hundreds of years when all kinds of illness and plagues spread without cures. Again, Jesus IS GOD, He is all knowing then and now. He would not have had this sharing of the Body and Blood if he was worried about any of that. I am just stumped.
Yesterday during adoration I asked Jesus if He had anything He wanted to discuss with me. I often speak to Him in this way. I saw myself receiving on the tongue. It was like I was looking at myself from the side. Then it was like I was shown him entering right into my heart. I can't explain it, because it all happened in my minds eye in time that was without time. In the time I take one breath or in the blink of my eyes. It wasn't even real or actual. It was like I melted away and my heart was what was left. Any way, not really knowing what this meant , I received on the hand again today, but when I picked up the Eucharist to place it in my mouth, time stopped. I couldn't stop my gaze upon the cross in the center of the Eucharist. It was the same gaze that I am allowed when receiving on the tongue. When the Eucharist fills my whole field of vision. When I focus on the beauty and the gift I am about to receive. It seemed to last a very long time. I wonder if the priest noticed? I wish I could just go to my pastor and ask. Unfortunately we aren't close and I always seem to irritate him. Our parochial vicar said he was fine with me continuing to receive on the tongue. This was because he seemed to continue to aim at my mouth. I had to thrust my hands upwards to give him the hint as to where the Eucharist was to be placed. So I asked him. I don't know what I am going to do. I think this is a mistake and I don't know what to do about it.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The sweater

I have been without a computer for a few weeks, and now we are hooked up to an old computer. I guess it will work for now.

I was attending mass on Martha's Vineyard last week. We spend much of the summer there where I walk to daily mass every morning in a small parish center. A woman walked in the door of this make-shift chapel who I didn't recognise. Something drew me to her. She was older maybe late 70's and well kept in a simple preppy way. She wore ked's and white socks with pom poms on the heals. I don't understand why she caught my eyes but she did. Anyway, I saw her arrive at mass day after day. No big deal. After the third day when I went home I started to think that the sweater she wore on that day was one like my mother had. Not recently but maybe in the late 1970's which was when my mother would have been in her 50's and I was a teenager. I couldn't stop thinking of the sweater. The next day when she entered the chapel she came and sat right beside me and she was wearing the sweater again. Tears started to stream down my face. It was like my mother in the form of a sweater came and visited me in that quiet time after morning rosary and before mass.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Spiritual poverty

I have been learning what spiritual poverty is. I really feel that maybe God has allowed me to enter yet another room in my library of faith . I can't explain it exactly, but I feel I am being taught how to leave myself out of many decisions. It's like every morning,I leave on a journey without knowing it's destination. I really don't know how I have been allowed to go this far, but day by day minute by minute he leads me. She leads me. All I know is that when I live this way it allows Him to decide the outcome. In the midst of all of this I have been hampered by a case of tendinitis. The doctor has told me to rest my arm for a few weeks. That seemed okay until my computer crashed. It is now out at a shop. I probably will be another week without it. I really miss reading every one's blogs. I borowed this mac book to see what I have missed. There isn't enough time to read anything only see that I have missed a lot. I almost feel okay without any of it. So, for now I take a break from My Blog, email Etc. Maybe next week I will be back. Maybe at the moment my journey is better unshared. Peace to all of you!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Giving all to Him through Mary

As you well know I have given my total consecration to Jesus through His Mother. She pulled together all the loose ends and gave me 2 days filled with prayers and song and everything that I might want to offer to God through Her loving hands. On Sunday I no sooner knelt in front of the Blessed Sacrament to pray for humility, when I got slammed . Why is it when we decide to give everything to Him, people can't understand. I am now in a position where I must decide whether or not to give up my cantoring. I know that this gift might be to close to my heart, but am not quite sure what She wants. For me this is a way to show my faith to others. I am so lost at this moment. I prayed about this for hours yesterday. What I felt was Mary is leading me, don't turn back, Don't conform to the pressures of the secular world. This means step away! I ask that anyone that reads this blog prays for me. That I may give everything to Him, even my most cherished music ministry.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Ave Maria, I love you

I have been very bust trying to complete all lessons Our Virgin has planned in preparation for my renewed consecration this Saturday. Let me just ask for your prayers that through her intercession, Mary the mediatrix of all graces might lead me closer to the Father and His divine will for my life.

O Mary Mother of God come into my heart that I may know you better
Clothe me with Your Holy Mantle that I may fear nothing
Allow me Mary, to rejoice in knowing your love for Jesus
Allow me Mary to cover my sins with the blood of Your Son
That his love may strengthen my faith
That my life may completely conform to the will of The Father
Sweetest Mother, bring me to the foot of the cross where I can see for myself the complete and profound love that has been poured out over me and the whole of creation
Allow me Mary to open myself fully to the gifts and graces you are holding for me
That I might share them with all that I meet
Mary, giver of all graces, I beg you now to be fully inspired by these gifts and to follow you to the kingdom
Ave Maria, I love you.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Thank you, Saint John Vianney

I went to mass this morning at a neighboring church. I find it very comfortable there no air conditioning which I prefer. The people are so friendly and kind. I am always remembered by name to join in during the rosary which is recited by the parish at 6:30 a.m. It amazes me how different this parish is than mine. The people hardly know me yet they have invited my husband and myself to holiday parties and out for coffee. I even went out for breakfast with the morning regulars last week. The pastor came and we (Around 12 people) talked about faith, courage, support.....
This other pastor didn't read today's chosen gospel, he chose Ezekiel 3: 18-21. The lesson was, If I say to the wicked man, You shall surely die; and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his wicked conduct so that he may live: that wicked man shall die for his sin, but I will hold you responsible for his death.If, on the other hand, you have warned the wicked man, yet he has not turned away from his evil nor from his wicked conduct, then he shall die for his sin, but you shall save your life.... This passage always scared me, how could I be stong and pure in my warning without any judgement. So I tried to get all of my work done, but I couldn't stop thinking about things, What was God showing me. So I went to see what the Gospel was for today. As you all know it was the walking on water passage, Mathew 14 "O you of little faith." This is what I ended up reading:
The meditation for today from the MAGNIFICAT
Being Strong In Our Faith
What do we see in the greater number of Christians? Alas, a feeble and tepid faith... What use do we make, my brethren, of the precious gifts of our faith, and of the means of salvation which we find in the bosom of the Catholic Church? What connection is there between our manner of living and the sanctity of our religion? Can we say , my brethren, that our life corresponds with the precepts of the Gospel, with the example that Jesus Christ has given us? This is to say, do we love poverty, humiliation, and contempt? Do we prefer Christianity above all honors, and everything which this world possesses and desires? Do we entertain that respect, that longing, and that zeal to draw all graces we can from the sacraments, which our Lord so lavishly bestows upon us? Let us examine ourselves on this question, my brethren. Alas! how numerous and bitter are reproaches which we must make to ourselves regarding these questions!.... If you hear the Word of God, listen immediately; be strong in your faith in spite of difficulties, and never allow it to waiver, but preserve it constantly; so that you, with the wise Men,will have the grace of beholding your God face to face.
I can't even begin to thank our Lord for letting me hear that Gospel, For allowing me to read the words of Saint John Vianney, and once again this day allowing me to understand that It has to be my actions that I worry about. No matter what parish, what priest, what words I end up hearing, He is always in control. Teaching ME how to be his humble servant.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Getting past rule #7

The Rule of the secular Franciscan Order,rule 7 instructions for novices: Obedience " The church speaks ,Like all Christians, the laity should promptly accept in Christian obedience what is decided by the pastors, who as teachers and rulers of the Church, represent Christ........
Will I make it past this rule and profess as a Secular Franciscan in October? This is my stumbling block. To profess or not to profess. What is God's will for me. The more I ask, the more he magnifies the lesson:

If you read my blog you know this week gave me lessons in humility. Besides the one I mentioned there is the one I will not mention having nothing to do with this. Any way I found it very fitting that Friday morning's gospel,Mathew 13:54-58 reminded me how Jesus could not preach in His own home town. Now you may say I am glorifying my own worth comparing myself to Jesus, but I do believe every mass has a lesson if we have our ears open to hear it. I love to pray. I love group prayer, devotions, community. My Pastor doesn't always encourage group devotional prayer. I am better not explaining. I on the other hand feel God waits to hear our prayer, especially as a group or parish. I felt that joining the Secular Franciscans might give me what I needed. I long for that spiritual community. Yet, My Seculars are lead by my pastor. So I feel it's not a good fit. Every day I battle with myself,"To profess or not to profess". I can't get past it. God knows my joys and has allowed me to become a cantor at my church. I stand at the lectern facing my parish family and bare my soul. My blood pours out on the altar. Mary please let me use your words," My soul magnifies the Lord." This coming from a timid child who longed for acceptance and love of her own alcoholic father. How did it happen that He (God) let me slip in under the radar. Okay, so in the middle of this battle, He has sent his earthly servants to console my misery. I don't sing all the time, we have a schedule. On Friday while helping out at our local soup kitchen, I was asked when will I sing again at the 4'o'clock vigil. Then again this morning an older couple said as I was leaving our church, " Are you singing?" When I told them no I will be on the schedule later this month, they told me, they see my car and hope I will sing. "When will I sing again at the 10 o'clock mass." I thanked them for their kindness, and left with a smile. A friend said to me right after mass that she had been praying for me. She told me to be thankful that Jesus allows me to share in His rejection. I hadn't spoke to her but she also is a secular novice and knows my struggle. In the past few years my faith has grown like that mustard seed. I give God every single breath, asking Him to allow me to be His servant, His instrament. I know people see it. I can't hide it under a basket, it shines I know it does. So what do I do? I can't help but be reminded of words I heard while visiting Jesus, "HOME,...... when there is nothing else, I LOVE YOU." So for now I fight to stay in my parish hoping that He gives me the answer to my question before that October Date. Am I, that small child who longs for the love of her Father, strong enough to know that this is what He asks of me. I have to remember, when I bow at the foot of Christ, he may look like my pastor.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Keep your prayers to yourself !!!

This morning I had 2 different ideas to write in this blog, unfortunately a lesson in humility knocked the ideas right out of my head. I asked my pastor if I could please lead a prayer for priests before morning mass. In my heart I felt it was my place as a parishioner to pray for my priests. I thought many of the daily mass goers would agree and if they did would choose to join me. So, I asked. Well the answer I received was quite different than I imagined. I should have seen it coming. Why am I so naive. The answer I received was that people want their prayer life to be private, so keep your prayers to yourself. WOW!! That's all I want to say, except, thank you Father for reminding that when it comes to our parish, I am not in the "IN CROWD". I almost forgot! God Bless you. Sweetest Jesus and God Our Father, in the silence of my heart please hear me pray. Bless Our Priests

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Small offerings are precious before God

So many days have passed since I have found the time to write in this blog. I can't let today's readings pass without speaking about them. Hearing of the servant of Elisha in the Book of Kings 4: 42-44 and then again Philip questioning Jesus on how he or any of the disciples could begin to feed the crowds in John's Gospel6:1-15 reminded me of my own feelings of inadequacy. As anyone who reads my blog knows I have felt Jesus asking me to be His precious cup. This always amazed me, because we so often hear that we are dust, clay or something more dirty and unformed than a precious cup. Yet over and over again when I have approach Him at communion I found myself begging Him to allow me to be His hands, His feet, His mouth. To be allowed to carry Him out to the world to be received by people that don't come into His church. Or maybe bring Him to people who come, but haven't met Him as intimately as I have. And over and over He shows me through grace that I can do just that. It never happens as planned, but most often in some unexpected way, after the fact I can say, "Thank you Jesus", " Thank you God" for allowing that. I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to be like that boy who offers his 5 loaves and 2 fish innocently. Jesus excepts his offering and multiplies or magnifies it. I never want to let go of the child like innocence of that, but like the disciples I find myself saying why am I hear? How can I possibly do what you are asking. I bring doubt into the scenario and doubt stifles the works of God.
Please let me humbly share words I woke to one morning. I shared them when I first started this blog. I want to share them again. I have to believe that through prayer and offering of myself to be used as that precious cup, my small offering can become much more than I could ever imagine for myself.

You know my child, every Sabbath that reigns on you, rains like stars from the heavens. You must offer up all of your gifts at His banquet so as to anoint yourself as an offering to him. He will accept your gifts and lead you into a place closer than you have ever been before. My child, know that I am with you. I hold you now because you are my child. I love you as I do all my children. You must enter into my presence today, so I may help you through these feelings you are having. You are not alone. I am with you.

I can't explain the words, but know they have taught me that I am that small offering, no matter how inadequate. All I have to do is place myself at His feet. He will do the rest.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Mary Magdalene be with my children

I can't let today go by without mentioning my love for Mary Magdalene. She has been there for me from the beginning of my reawakening. She is my 18 year old daughter's patron saint. Today my 2 children joined me for morning mass. How wonderful. I ask at this moment for her to intercede for me in regard to my 2 children. " Mary Magdalene I know you are here with us. I feel your presence. Thank you."

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Lead by the hand by Our Mother

This week I started my renewal of consecration to our Blessed Mother. Little did I know when I thought about my renewal this year, that it would become such an education. I decided to follow the Louis De Monteforte form of consecration. This was a book my son shared with me for my first consecration in 2007, I decided to reuse it this year. I had read a book MY IDEAL JESUS SON OF MARY in 2007 and 2008 but decided to read something different this year. I decided I had to try to educate myself on Mary because of something someone (a catholic) said to me at the Jesus Fest I participated in. This person would not agree with me that Mary WAS "the Immaculate Conception". He said that was impossible she was human. I fought to convince him otherwise without raising my voice or blood pressure. I decided that I had to learn a lot more about Our Mother in order to defend her with other Christians and Catholics I guess? Now that I think of it, many Catholics think Jesus was the immaculate conception and I have to admit that there was a time I thought He was that myself. I was a child of the 1960's -1970's and I don't really remember learning any of that. Well anyway, I went through the books my son gave me for Christmas(Recycled from his Maryology course at Franciscan University) and decided to read CONTEMPORARY INSIGHTS ON THE FIFTH MARIAN DOGMA. (edited my Dr.Mark Maravalle, my sons professor)I only picked it up today because I am busy on Martha's Vineyard helping with a visit from Honorable Marie Laurence Jocelyn Lassegue, Haiti's Minister of Women's affairs and Rights.( That's another Mary story) It amazes me, how things work. This morning I consecrated to the two hearts because it is the celebration of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. Then right from the start, the book tells that the fifth dogma formally unites those two heart. I haven't read very much of it, I am not even sure if the fifth dogma came to be, although I know we do have devotion to both now. I guess before August 15 when I renew my consecration I will know so much more about Mary and how she became coredemtrix. I hope I said that right.
"Sweet Mother Mary, I know you are asking for my defence, but never imagined how you would tie everything together like a Christmas package for me." WOW! I am such a simple small wife and mother that is being lead by the hand by Our Mother. All I had to do was ask.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Jesus will be there, so will I

I have been called to represent my faith(Roman Catholic) at the Jesus Fest in my area. This was revealed to me through prayer in front of the blessed sacrament. So many different things confirmed my thoughts and prayers, so I inquired and made arrangements to be there. Many people in my community have warned me, even tried to convince me to bale out. Maybe run as fast an far away from this event as I can. I don't even think they have attended the event. Still with the support of my husband I will be there to share my love of Jesus with whomever comes to my table. I feel that there is something wrong with the walls that have sprung up between christian faiths. I have NO right to judge. If there is a celebration for Jesus, I AM GOING TO BE THERE.

Words I read at morning prayer: Romans 14: 12-13, 17-19
"Every one of us will have to give an account of himself before God. Therefore we must no longer pass judgement on one another, Instead you should resolve to put no stumbling blocks or hindrance in your brother's way.The Kingdom of God is not a matter of eating or drinking, but of justice, peace, and the joy that is given by the Holy Spirit. Whoever serves Christ in this way pleases God and wins the esteem of men. Let us, then, make it our aim to work for peace and to strengthen one another."

When the Holy spirit places so strongly into my heart and mind an action like this, I have to trust. I can not let the evils of the world discourage me. Jesus will be there! So will I.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Reflecting on Abraham

I can't help but reflect on today's 1st reading Genesis 22:1b-19. "God put Abraham to the test." Anyone who reads the bible or listens at mass knows Abraham is asked to offer his only son. I want so badly to follow in the footsteps of Abraham. Many times God has led me into a fear filled situation. I try with all my being to follow His will. My struggle is that as soon as I do it, I start to doubt. I know in my head, doubt doesn't come from the Lord. Please Jesus from this moment, I hand my whole life over to you. I can't give you half of my heart. Take it all. Leave me with noting, because unless you hold my whole heart I will always worry that I may want something left for myself. But, if I give it all to you, I will have nothing to lose. I am yours Lord, I am yours, do with me as you will.

Monday, June 22, 2009

A simple thought that I finds so hard to explain

How is it that it seems so strange to explain to people that when I talk to God, he answers. I can not seem to let one moment go buy where I am not asking His opinion or Her(Mary's) help. When did they become the center of everything? I guess it happened slowly, but I still get so excited when my prayers are answered. I can't say" It's like he reads my mind," because He knows my mind. He knows,every thought and desire and plan and scheme. What a simple thought.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Coming out from under that bushel basket

(After hearing today's Gospel Mathew 5;17-19), I couldn't help but be reminded of my ongoing battle. Faith, family,and keeping both firmly in my life. A while ago I had an argument with a family member. I felt that after years of silence I somehow had to finally air my views on things. That was a BIG mistake. Now this person feels I hate her and probably think because of my spiritual search for Jesus that I somehow am superior to her. How can I be strong enough to stand firm on my commitment to follow the commandments. People don't follow! They say they are catholic and then brag of beliefs of right to life and right to prestige and power and every other vise that comes along. It's like if they haven't shot or stabbed someone, they haven't sinned. I want to be that person Jesus speaks about in Mathew's gospel. Yet, my family consider me some sort of fool. They think I am mean and thoughtless. They say, my beliefs have changed me. Well, they have! I know they have. I know I am not allowed to judge but fall so short of being Christ like. Why Jesus, didn't you have a bigger family so that I could read up on how you dealt with them. Sometimes I feel the more I search for HIM the less I understand. Is there anyone else out there that feels the way that I do? I sometimes feel scared to admit how difficult this faith thing is.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Cleans me ...

I have been very busy lately. So busy that I haven't written in a long time. This is hard for me because when I write I share my thoughts with whom ever might happen upon this blog.
For some time now I have lived my life totally in the hands of Our Lord and Savior through the intercession of His Mother. What I struggle with today is the handing over of my failings to Him. I want so deeply to be perfect for Him, yet I fall so very short of this. Lately, I have sat and pondered what Peter must have thought when he kept failing his friend and brother and Savior. How do I go beyond a time of extreme failure. I really don't know where to begin. I feel that I have been taught the handing over of my failings to God, but still don't quite know how to find forgiveness from myself to myself. The sadness overwhelms me. WILL I EVER LEARN!!! When I fall and fail at loving my sister perfectly I show Him my unclean side. I never want this to ever happen again. Oh Lord wash me from my iniquities, cleans me from my sins.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Something I wrote to help through the darkness

" I will send you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who proceeds from the Father, he will testify to me. And you also testify, because you have been with me from the beginning....."We hear Jesus speaking of how to go on after he leaves Earth. He speaks of the spirit and the trust that we must have when we can't see Him anymore. We are to remember and trust that no matter what we hear, or how other people treat us. No matter How long we feel alone, even 'till our own death, we have to keep his words very close. In the depths of our hearts, in our minds.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

No time for a blogging

I seem to be taking a break from blogging. It's not that I don't want to write. It's that the time I have available is not enough to do justice for my thoughts. I pray that maybe tonight I will have time. Shalom.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Listening to The Spirit.

In the readings of the past week we have heard about, and we prepare for, the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Our priest explained to us how he was pulled by the spirit to ignore his prepared homily and preach by the Spirit. This is a feeling I know all so well. My question is, how do I find spiritual courage? I have found that the gifts given can come as boldly as a loud clashing of a cymbal and also as timidly as a quiet whisper. The thing is, although He is very strong and persuasive, I can be very weak. I feel The Spirit can push me in a way that I might boldly stand out in front of a crowd, but through experience I have also found out that the people are quickly ready to stone me for my different view on things. How is it that the spirit fills my heart with so much joy that I have no choice but to follow but, at the same time that extreme unexplainable joy is followed by doubt. For me it's like Satan and his followers want to put a halt to any work He is asking me to do. I want so badly to live my life giving everything to Him. How do I courageously stand ready for what ever might become of me. How do I find that kind of courage? The kind I read about in the bible. All I can do is pray every day as the disciples did," Increase my faith." And hope that my courage increases to the likeness of the ones I have read about.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A peek at the Mission

I have been silent on this blog. As I have written I was in Jamaica. Things went differently then we expected. This seems the usual coarse of things in my life. His plan is always different then mine. I was very lucky because someone up there created a special job that I only could do. This took me away from what others were doing, but kept me much busier than others. He knows I feel that my missions should be busier. The first evening when we were being given the run down on events Brother Michael asked if anyone knew how to stencil. I, being an art major many years ago said I could do it. Little did I know it meant working with an old exacto knife and oaktag file folders. Then a sharp but more difficult to handle box cutter and a 6 inch metal ruler. My work area was an opened cardboard box put on the church stairs, the kitchen table and then an old desk in the poorly lit lower room in the mission parish center that we were helping with. Anyway it came out. I was happy to add the commemorative title of Mother Mona FSE to the outside of the building. On Thursday we had to quickly leave because of civil unrest. We were brought to a hotel where we were treated to a day and a half of comfort. It was not necessary, but God's will. The children captured my heart. I hope our parish will continue to help.

Friday, April 24, 2009

The simple gift of helping others

I'm in Jamaica doing mission work. Daily we celebrated mass and then did what ever we were asked to do. My job was to cut stencils and with them, paint the name on the outside of a pastoral center. I don't know how they thought anyone could do this without supplies, This job kept me busy every afternoon and evening. I made the stencils out of folders and used a box knife to cut out the letters. None of these things would have been my choice for the project, but the job got done. The mornings I spent tutoring a 16 year old boy. He would be taking a placement test that would decide if he could continue his education or leave school to learn a trade. These children want to learn, they want to go on. Unfortunately they barely can read or do math. My boy, struggled with reading. He seemed to never be taught how to divide words into syllables and sound words out. We spent the whole week reading, very slowly what I feel were words on maybe a second grade level. All I can do is pray that what we worked on sticks in his head.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Living in the Octave of Easter

Easter Sunday has come and gone and although I expected to feel the internal glory of the Resurrection I wasn't quite feeling it. I went through lent understanding the fast, the mortification the sacrifice, but somehow I thought with the Resurrection would come a new light. Maybe the glorious light I saw and felt when I first truly began to understand all that Jesus did was for me. I have no idea why, but this year I was expecting something physical to come over me. I was able to partake in all of the Masses and stations, the triduum and even 3 Easter Sunday masses, each given by a different priest. (This happens when you are in the choir at our church.) There were so many graces and gifts in the last 40 something days. Why did I want more? Then I heard how when Mary Magdalene recognised Jesus, He had to tell her to stop clinging to Him and go spread the news. I realized that I had already been allowed to recognize Him in His Resurrection when I had my spiritual awakening or maybe reconversion. Still I was hoping that Jesus would somehow appear and allow me to stay safely at His feet, in that glorious light of the Pascal candle. It's not allowed, not then and not now. Like Mary Magdalene, I wasn't recognizing Him. The gift that I was waiting for, was right in front of me in that precious cup of blood and the tiny Eucharist. That is the resurected Christ. It was there every day for me to take and be filled. The rest HE was leaving up to me.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Preparing to celebrate the Triduum

I sit here at my computer for a final moment before I dress and prepare for tonight's mass. All I could think about today was how I may have failed Jesus this week running around trying to get everything ready for Easter. I somehow fell back to the old self worrying how everything could be perfect. Then a friend sat with me after morning prayer and just about in tears said how down she was because she had so much to do and would never finish everything in time. Out of my mouth came the words,"Is any of that so important that you should worry about it." We chatted very quietly and thanks to the Holy Spirit, I was able to once again, do what I start every day setting out to do. That is, give Him every breath . When I got home I thought of Peter and how he had such good intentions and still betrayed our Lord over and over. The thing was Jesus forgave him over and over. Why is that so hard for me to believe when I realize I have fallen once again. He has always picked me up and given me the sign that I am still His. This grateful child can only fall on my knees and say thank you. Thank you for Your mercy, thank you for Your forgiveness.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Listening to our crucified Jesus

As we sang Hosanna in the highest and proudly held the palms to be blessed by our priest, I brought myself spiritually back to that very day. I reflected on how the people reverently spread their cloaks and palm branches they had cut from the fields. All cried," Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" How could such a beautiful and reverent moment turn and become the passion and death of our Lord and Savior? I felt it the moment mass ended and our beautiful reverent church seemed to turn into a conference hall. With the last note of the recessional song, all reverence to His importance turned to disregard. Like He had left the building, and and maybe our conscience.
I spent this Lenten season trying my best to understand God's will for me at this time in my life, listening to our crucified Jesus and giving in to the "trust" he asked of me when he died for ME and my sins. I feel He allowed me to understand how so often we live day to day never taking the time to listen to the Father. Disregarding His guidelines, the ones that offered Eternal life, the same words that he gave Moses. How is it, one minute we are praising and honoring Him and the next our wretchedness allows us to deny Him again and again, from fear of religious persecution, or maybe a simple inconvenience for that matter. I sometimes feel like a part of that crowd which was so easily swayed to allow the Crucifixion of the man they had promised loyalty. I see this happening and keep asking myself how long can this go on before our feasting turns into destruction and death. The Jesus that had been hiding in the desert has come out and revealed to us once more, the realness that His death was given to us as the greatest gift ever. Somehow, I feel that we are missing the chance to accept his mercy, assuring Him that his passion and death is reverently and humbly acknowledged. I will not allow this Lenten season to pass without throwing myself at his feet and washing myself in the ocean of His mercy. Jesus I TRUST that you will show me the way to the Father as you promised. With your help, I will not follow the crowd, but quietly kneel with my eyes fixed on Your wounds.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Trust looks like the son of God

How I love Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego. When I heard their words this morning my heart ached that I might have that faith. When confronted with a torturous death in a white hot furnace for not worshiping a statue made by their king they felt no need for defence. They explained that God who they serve can save them, but even if He chose not to, they still would not give in to King Nebuchadnezzar's threats.
How easily I stifle my words or thoughts for fear of alienating the people near me, my friends and family. Why do I feel the intimidation of this world pulling me away from what is truly right and back into the silence and comfort of religious acceptance. I know this isn't right. I must stand bravely in front of that furnace knowing that if I place myself totally in His care, Jesus will be with me walking through that fire. "Blessed be the God of Shadrack, Meshach, and Abednego, who sent his angel to deliver the servants who trusted in Him."
Daniel 3:14-20, 91-91,95

Monday, March 30, 2009

Sweet Jesus, Show yourself

I have been learning a lot about dementia lately. A condition that use to cause me anxiety and sleepless nights. My mind has never been that great so I always worried that that would be my demise. I have been asked to bring Jesus to the memory support unit at a local nursing home. The patients struggle with every different stage of memory loss. I found a friend in the hall and she asked me as a stranger if I could help her and her friend find her way home. I told her of course, I knew where she lived and would be glad to take her there. When I brought her to her room she asked me if I was sure this was where she was staying,not recognising her roommate or any of her things. She started to cry telling me how she was so lonely, how her son was busy working and how she was perfectly well and needed to go home. Tomorrow she insisted, she was going home. How could I console her? I just took both hands and told her that she wasn't alone, she had a wonderful roommate who watched after her. Then she caught sight of some rosary beads I had brought her and said calmly, "I'm not alone. I have HIM. " Please dearest Jesus, when these women's thoughts get locked away where they can't reach them, show yourself. Sweet Mother Mary hold them in your arms like you did your son. Hear my prayers.

Monday, March 23, 2009

All I do is for Him

Why am I always feeling so separate from old friends and loved ones. Seeing what is happening in our world it makes me wonder what Jesus wants of me today. I want so deeply to remind others of God's gift of repentance in the sacrament of reconciliation but people are waiting for some new sign. I have heard "they have listened but do not hear." Why is this? I don't know if I will ever understand God's gifts of free will. A friend told me that maybe for now God was asking me to sit and wait. I feel that I may also be one of those always looking for some new miracle. I realize I have to let all thoughts of order and organized efforts go. Jesus is in charge! We have seen and heard his words. Maybe for now, He is done speaking, done giving great miracles. Maybe he is tucked away hiding because His time has not yet come. I have to remind myself that no matter what, all that He has and will do is for me. Likewise I remind myself all that I do is for Him. No matter how small the task. All for the love of my Jesus.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Mercy and Love

The opening prayer of sunday mass was for me. We often say that in our family. Like Jesus himself picked that verse just for me to hear. It went like this;" Father you taught us to overcome our sins by prayers, fasting and works of mercy. When we are discouraged by our weakness, give us confidence in your love...." I wrote this on Sunday and now on Wednesday I really see what I thought I knew.
I have been struggling with a sin of judgement. I know I'm not allowed to judge but the thoughts keep creeping into my mind. Why does this person do the things he does. I was reminded that he is Jesus, not just a part of him, all of him. Still I couldn't or maybe can't seem to get past things. Today I was given the lesson of the prayer. On Wednesday's I drive people to see a Rabbi that has a gift of prophecy and meets with christians to share inspirational thought. I can't explain it, but I feel Jesus wants me there. At first I thought it was for me. We would go, I was able to share with like minded people, prayers and encouragement. Somehow I ended up being asked to drive 2 Jewish women a mother and daughter there. For weeks this has bothered me. It changed the whole day. No prayer, much worldly discusion,etc.etc. No matter how much I wanted to say NO, I don't want this, I want it the way it was, a ME day, I kept hearing "what so ever you do to the least of my" Today one of them, the daughter, fell apart at the seams, explaining how awful her life was, details that I don't care to share. The mother explained how difficult it was for her......I found myself saying to this girl and her mother," You have to forgive and go on, forgiving over and over no matter how many times it takes. Seventy times seven if that is what it takes and while doing this you also have to put all of your trust in Adonai (God in our terms). Why was it so easy to say and so hard to hear myself? I have no idea, but maybe it is in these works of mercy that He teaches clearly how to overcome sin.

Friday, March 13, 2009


I read about the three on the mountain. How they were so captivated by His transfiguration that they wished to pitch tents and live with Him just as in that moment. I find myself often doing just as Peter, James and John, basking in the light of His love. I don't want to move for fear I may step out of that light back into the darkness of this world. But, I come back to the world with desires greater than can be imagined by most. It's funny how he calls some of us so intimately that we feel drawn to drop everything and follow. It's my understanding that there is talk of some sort of awakening, or warning that will come. The Blessed virgin speaks of it. I sometimes wonder if some of us have already received that warning. The understanding of how wrong we were about our lives. I felt I was okay,I went to church on Sunday and holy days. I lived what I thought to be a good life, never understanding the reality of His presence. All of a sudden He was in my head helping me make choices, preaching, reminding me of every word I heard at mass. I felt so drawn to be near him, maybe I thought I might sit at His right hand. I don't know. I don't really think so, but I can understand how James and John, witnessing that light first hand might, have believed that they were called to be that close to Him. Why is it that my ego might for a moment desire to bask in His glory? All that I know is that even after the gifts and graces that he allows me to share, he always reminds me of the cup he was asked to drink. I have to remember to follow closely, but understand that I have no say as to what my part in all of this is, but try to follow willingly, carrying that cross and drinking from the cup. It is only in this act of true faith that I may be allowed in the smallest of ways to help in the redemption.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Allow me again Lord, to fall completely into your love

I don't watch much television, when it does happen I like to think it was His choice a break or something. A small outing you might say given from Him. I find no use for television. People think odd of me for that, but I never chose to stop watching. He chose for me. One day I just stopped. Now I have time to sit and read and meditate. I find that silence is my best company.
My favorite silence is in the darkness of the early morning. I sit on the floor in the darkness talking to Him. I ask Him how I should feel about things and how He feels about my reaction to matters of the day before. The best thing is His prospective is always surer, always gentler then mine. How is it that my thoughts realign so quickly when smoothed out by his gentle guidance. Why then, don't I give everything to Him. I want to, but yet stop myself. I want so badly to trust in all matters that He guides me, yet worry my humanness gets between us. How do I fix that? My prayers of this consume my sleep. I find myself at every conscious moment pleading with Him. Purify my thoughts Lord. I pray Jesus I trust in you, yet wonder how sure is that trust. Allow me today Lord, to let go again, and fall completely into you love.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Listening in the silence

During adoration I heard myself saying to Jesus; "I long for you in justice, judgement and truth." I often say things in prayer that I truly don't understand. It's like the words come through my heart and I listen like someone else is speaking. I always keep a journal in adoration which allows me to go back later and reread what I feel during our visit. How can we, such imperfect beings, begin to understand the love of God. He is there, He waits for us to kneel before His son. The one who came to give us all answers in our faith..

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

the straight path of righteousness

Why is it that lately I seldom hear sermons on repent. It's like the words that seem to mold my existence aren't heard or felt by others. Looking at some of my favorite saints I hear them speak of God's Mercy and His gifts of reconciliation. We heard it in church this past week, how no one was listening. They were following other god's. I think of souls to the likes of Noah and Jonah. How they heard God's plea to STOP AND LISTEN! Follow HIM! We are in a time of repentance right at this very moment. We must fast, pray, and quietly listen for His direction. Why then, am I feeling that somehow we got it all wrong. What if we had only forty days to convince God our Father that we are serious about following only His Son. Sadness sometimes overwhelms me. I feel we are following so many things of this world, before His son. So, today I fast, and I pray that maybe more would have the courage to remind us how weak we are. He will forgive us, but we must kneel before Him asking for forgiveness. Maybe, just maybe, people will see and follow.

Words I heard,
"We are to walk the straight path of righteousness so that the wisdom of God's love will shine forth upon us. We are to infuse our hearts with his teachings so that we may follow Him more precisely. We must trust that the loving arms of Mary, Our Mother will hold us lovingly in our times of distress. And, we must NEVER allow ourselves to be parted from Her loving embrace. She Is Our Mother.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Recognise Him and follow

Thoughts after mass; Deuteronomy 30:15-20 and Luke 9:22-25
"If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.................... whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.
I am so fortunate that almost every day I get to visit God our father hear His teachings and receive His son. Holy mass is a very big part of my life. I was taught to follow my spiritual to do's by a very kind priest. These were things I should practice daily. They include mass, rosary, spiritual reading and confession as often as I need it.

I sometimes wonder why my church is so empty on any given morning and especially this day, Thursday when my church has Holy Adoration from noon to 7:00pm. There are many times that I spend my 3:00 hour alone. Jesus IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Where are the people? What I'm thinking at this very moment is very selfish. "I love having the time alone with Him." It's just a thought. I know I have to share and would much prefer the house being so packed that no other person could enter.

I wonder why it seems so clear to me, the losing ones self part. A change came in my life and from that moment all that I wanted was to give every breath to Jesus. He capture my attention in a way that was bigger than anything I had ever experienced. All of a sudden "I HEARD" every mass was a lesson on how I was to live. God changed me from the inside and then the outside. I understood that so many of the things I thought were important didn't mean anything anymore. This to me was the losing oneself part. How do I explain this to people? I often don't. They wouldn't understand. I spend much of my time in silence now. I don't need so much to have every second of my life filled with the noise of this world. I do what needs to be done and then seek the comfort of HIM. It's not often easy, but I long to please Him. In my humanness I fall daily, but as Jesus did I stand up pick up my cross an walk. That is all any of us can do. I often sit and contemplate why and how God comes to each and every one of us so differently, but was reminded that so many questions in our faith will go unanswered until we meet Him. Then all will be clear. I can't help but wonder, if this were that last Lenten journey we were all allowed to take, would we be trying harder to follow more closely, not make excuses for this or that. I want to live like that. What if this is my last chance? My children's last chance? I feel if we don't turn to Him we are making a choice that is irreparable. I pray that all will be allowed to recognise Him and follow. And, I pray that God will hear this simple servant.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The simple reflection of You

Often as I approach the altar at communion I ask if He would please allow me to be his servant. I ask Mary his mother to teach me how to hold Him like she did. I have pictured the 13Th station when His broken body is placed in her arms. I want to feel the realness of that. I know that as I get closer to the celebrant I must prepare myself for that moment when I am allowed to Carry Him. "This is My body which has been given up for you". I may never understand this. Once in a while there have been times in my life that I have felt He has heard and answered me.
I must never be afraid to be a fool for Him. So often I am discouraged by people's words. I want so badly to be His hands, His feet, His lips. All I can do is listen carefully and do what I think he is asking of me. One morning I woke early and went running. I often run in the evening, but on this day I ran in the morning. I use to play this little game. What is your will,? Who would you like me to pray for today? As I ran and passed by people I would pray for them. I would imagine the story behind them and send off a little prayer to heaven hoping God would hear if they were the one I was suppose to be praying for that particular day. Anyway, for some reason on this day I felt drawn way out of my regular path of running a few miles away, to a hospital. I knelt and said my prayers and went on my merry way. On the way home again I felt drawn in a different direction. I found myself over on the other side of town and crossing the road ending up in an area of pedestrians. All of a sudden I found myself face to face with a homeless man. I stopped in front of him and said "Jesus loves you." Jesus loves you that's all I said. Now I had never been that bold before to say Jesus loves you to anyone nevermind approaching a homeless man who I had seen many times for many years and never once said a word to. When I got home I told the story to my husband and told him how I would never forget the look in his eyes when I told him that. It was like he had waited years to hear those words. We talked about maybe finding him and giving him a bible or something. A few days later I heard his body had been found behind a shop where he often sat. He had had a heart attack or something and died. I always wonder if Jesus let me be his His feet and His eyes and His heart that day. I will try to never be afraid to share His love with whomever, where ever he may ask me to bring it. We must be couragous in our faith quietly waiting and listening for that still small voice. I know it is there.
You fill me with such love. Lead me Lord, posess me, let me serve you with every breath. Allow me please to decrease until there is nothing left of me but the simple reflection of you.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Giving everything over to Him

"Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me."
There are times in my life when I feel like the people of Babel. I seek the comfort of my home where my thoughts of faith are safely surrounded by the arms of my family. I can speak my language and everyone here accepts me no matter how strange it might seem to others. Yet, our Lord asks me to go out and share His love with others. Why is it that I feel I'm speaking a foreign language even in my church. All I can do is read these verses and be re reminded that even that foreignness was created in HIS design.
Writing this I am reminded of the time I went to my confessor and said,"while studying the catechism of the catholic church I read I must love GOD even more than My husband." I asked my priest How? could I do this. I told him that I was putting it in our Lord's hands and for that moment I was working on the love being equal for my husband and Him. The crazy thing was that as soon as I did that, HE asked me to give All my love to HIM alone. My heart was flooded with love and emotions and all the intimate things that I had always given only to my husband. At that very moment I also felt that through HIM solely I was being taught to share His love that was more perfect than anything I could give.
How wonderful the lessons we are given when we learn to give EVERYTHING over to HIM!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

"Anoint yourself as an offering to HIM"

Upon hearing yesterday's first reading from the Book of Genesis,(Cain and Abel)I was brought back to something I once heard.

"You know my child, every Sabbath that reigns on you, rains like stars from the heavens. You must offer up all of your gifts at His banquet so as to anoint yourself as an offering to Him. He will accept your gifts and lead you into a place closer than you have ever been before. My child, know that I am with you. I hold you now because you are my child. I love you as I do all my children. You must enter into my presence today, so I may help you through these feelings you are having. You are not alone. I am with you."

Before I heard these words I never realized that I myself was the offering that I would place on the altar. To think that Cain was so envious of his brother's gifts that he killed him. Day after day I approach the altar with all my unworthiness and the closer I come to HIM the more I understand that I must accept that my stripped down self is what is being offered on the altar. I somehow have to get past all the baggage I carry. How I compare myself to saints and never come even close. He knows every cell of my being, every thought and desire and still I must nakedly walk up to that altar giving myself to HIM. We must never compare our gifts. We must long to become that perfect gift. The one Our Father create us to become. "THE PRECIOUS CUP" Purify me Lord, posses my thoughts, increase my faith!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Desires of a child

I have been given the desires of a child. To spend hours conversing with Him as if He were sitting beside me. Asking for the ability to live as a saint,to pray for souls and help carry His cross. Why does my heart long for courage to ask for the unachievable? I am not a child, but I dream like one. I pray like one. My thoughts and prayers are of things I can not even admit to my spiritual counsel, if I had that. But yet, it fills my thoughts. It drives me, consumes me. So I go forward quietly hoping that help will come.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

A glimpse of Him

How is it that we hear words and somehow they never penetrate our being. We go through our life day after day feeling good in our faith and one day everything changes. We hear so often how Jesus spoke in parables knowing not everyone would hear. For a while now I have lived in a darkness that I couldn't shake. I longed for answers. Why did Jesus allow these things to take place in my life? These questions I pondered for not just days or weeks but for more than a year. I was looking for the answer from everyone but Him. No matter what I heard or read I still looked to be guided by my priest, my husband, my close friends. I think maybe with every struggle in my life I looked for some sort of validation. "Help me someone" I would run to my mother, as I got older my friend, later in my life I looked for answers from my husband, even my children. Why is it when I felt bad I had to go an tell someone, look for comfort, security, or just validation. I was told give everything to God through Mary but felt I was handing something off to Him. I finally realized it wasn't a hand off,But more like having arms so full that everything is going to fall and allowing Him to catch not only what I carried, but my whole being, to fall right into His arms. There will be No validation. It is just a uncontrolled letting go so he helps to carry whatever the burden might be. I feel today, maybe I have been given a glimpse of His true love.

Saturday, February 7, 2009