Thursday, February 26, 2009

Recognise Him and follow

Thoughts after mass; Deuteronomy 30:15-20 and Luke 9:22-25
"If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.................... whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.
I am so fortunate that almost every day I get to visit God our father hear His teachings and receive His son. Holy mass is a very big part of my life. I was taught to follow my spiritual to do's by a very kind priest. These were things I should practice daily. They include mass, rosary, spiritual reading and confession as often as I need it.

I sometimes wonder why my church is so empty on any given morning and especially this day, Thursday when my church has Holy Adoration from noon to 7:00pm. There are many times that I spend my 3:00 hour alone. Jesus IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Where are the people? What I'm thinking at this very moment is very selfish. "I love having the time alone with Him." It's just a thought. I know I have to share and would much prefer the house being so packed that no other person could enter.

I wonder why it seems so clear to me, the losing ones self part. A change came in my life and from that moment all that I wanted was to give every breath to Jesus. He capture my attention in a way that was bigger than anything I had ever experienced. All of a sudden "I HEARD" every mass was a lesson on how I was to live. God changed me from the inside and then the outside. I understood that so many of the things I thought were important didn't mean anything anymore. This to me was the losing oneself part. How do I explain this to people? I often don't. They wouldn't understand. I spend much of my time in silence now. I don't need so much to have every second of my life filled with the noise of this world. I do what needs to be done and then seek the comfort of HIM. It's not often easy, but I long to please Him. In my humanness I fall daily, but as Jesus did I stand up pick up my cross an walk. That is all any of us can do. I often sit and contemplate why and how God comes to each and every one of us so differently, but was reminded that so many questions in our faith will go unanswered until we meet Him. Then all will be clear. I can't help but wonder, if this were that last Lenten journey we were all allowed to take, would we be trying harder to follow more closely, not make excuses for this or that. I want to live like that. What if this is my last chance? My children's last chance? I feel if we don't turn to Him we are making a choice that is irreparable. I pray that all will be allowed to recognise Him and follow. And, I pray that God will hear this simple servant.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The simple reflection of You

Often as I approach the altar at communion I ask if He would please allow me to be his servant. I ask Mary his mother to teach me how to hold Him like she did. I have pictured the 13Th station when His broken body is placed in her arms. I want to feel the realness of that. I know that as I get closer to the celebrant I must prepare myself for that moment when I am allowed to Carry Him. "This is My body which has been given up for you". I may never understand this. Once in a while there have been times in my life that I have felt He has heard and answered me.
I must never be afraid to be a fool for Him. So often I am discouraged by people's words. I want so badly to be His hands, His feet, His lips. All I can do is listen carefully and do what I think he is asking of me. One morning I woke early and went running. I often run in the evening, but on this day I ran in the morning. I use to play this little game. What is your will,? Who would you like me to pray for today? As I ran and passed by people I would pray for them. I would imagine the story behind them and send off a little prayer to heaven hoping God would hear if they were the one I was suppose to be praying for that particular day. Anyway, for some reason on this day I felt drawn way out of my regular path of running a few miles away, to a hospital. I knelt and said my prayers and went on my merry way. On the way home again I felt drawn in a different direction. I found myself over on the other side of town and crossing the road ending up in an area of pedestrians. All of a sudden I found myself face to face with a homeless man. I stopped in front of him and said "Jesus loves you." Jesus loves you that's all I said. Now I had never been that bold before to say Jesus loves you to anyone nevermind approaching a homeless man who I had seen many times for many years and never once said a word to. When I got home I told the story to my husband and told him how I would never forget the look in his eyes when I told him that. It was like he had waited years to hear those words. We talked about maybe finding him and giving him a bible or something. A few days later I heard his body had been found behind a shop where he often sat. He had had a heart attack or something and died. I always wonder if Jesus let me be his His feet and His eyes and His heart that day. I will try to never be afraid to share His love with whomever, where ever he may ask me to bring it. We must be couragous in our faith quietly waiting and listening for that still small voice. I know it is there.
You fill me with such love. Lead me Lord, posess me, let me serve you with every breath. Allow me please to decrease until there is nothing left of me but the simple reflection of you.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Giving everything over to Him

"Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me."
There are times in my life when I feel like the people of Babel. I seek the comfort of my home where my thoughts of faith are safely surrounded by the arms of my family. I can speak my language and everyone here accepts me no matter how strange it might seem to others. Yet, our Lord asks me to go out and share His love with others. Why is it that I feel I'm speaking a foreign language even in my church. All I can do is read these verses and be re reminded that even that foreignness was created in HIS design.
Writing this I am reminded of the time I went to my confessor and said,"while studying the catechism of the catholic church I read I must love GOD even more than My husband." I asked my priest How? could I do this. I told him that I was putting it in our Lord's hands and for that moment I was working on the love being equal for my husband and Him. The crazy thing was that as soon as I did that, HE asked me to give All my love to HIM alone. My heart was flooded with love and emotions and all the intimate things that I had always given only to my husband. At that very moment I also felt that through HIM solely I was being taught to share His love that was more perfect than anything I could give.
How wonderful the lessons we are given when we learn to give EVERYTHING over to HIM!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

"Anoint yourself as an offering to HIM"

Upon hearing yesterday's first reading from the Book of Genesis,(Cain and Abel)I was brought back to something I once heard.

"You know my child, every Sabbath that reigns on you, rains like stars from the heavens. You must offer up all of your gifts at His banquet so as to anoint yourself as an offering to Him. He will accept your gifts and lead you into a place closer than you have ever been before. My child, know that I am with you. I hold you now because you are my child. I love you as I do all my children. You must enter into my presence today, so I may help you through these feelings you are having. You are not alone. I am with you."

Before I heard these words I never realized that I myself was the offering that I would place on the altar. To think that Cain was so envious of his brother's gifts that he killed him. Day after day I approach the altar with all my unworthiness and the closer I come to HIM the more I understand that I must accept that my stripped down self is what is being offered on the altar. I somehow have to get past all the baggage I carry. How I compare myself to saints and never come even close. He knows every cell of my being, every thought and desire and still I must nakedly walk up to that altar giving myself to HIM. We must never compare our gifts. We must long to become that perfect gift. The one Our Father create us to become. "THE PRECIOUS CUP" Purify me Lord, posses my thoughts, increase my faith!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Desires of a child

I have been given the desires of a child. To spend hours conversing with Him as if He were sitting beside me. Asking for the ability to live as a saint,to pray for souls and help carry His cross. Why does my heart long for courage to ask for the unachievable? I am not a child, but I dream like one. I pray like one. My thoughts and prayers are of things I can not even admit to my spiritual counsel, if I had that. But yet, it fills my thoughts. It drives me, consumes me. So I go forward quietly hoping that help will come.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

A glimpse of Him

How is it that we hear words and somehow they never penetrate our being. We go through our life day after day feeling good in our faith and one day everything changes. We hear so often how Jesus spoke in parables knowing not everyone would hear. For a while now I have lived in a darkness that I couldn't shake. I longed for answers. Why did Jesus allow these things to take place in my life? These questions I pondered for not just days or weeks but for more than a year. I was looking for the answer from everyone but Him. No matter what I heard or read I still looked to be guided by my priest, my husband, my close friends. I think maybe with every struggle in my life I looked for some sort of validation. "Help me someone" I would run to my mother, as I got older my friend, later in my life I looked for answers from my husband, even my children. Why is it when I felt bad I had to go an tell someone, look for comfort, security, or just validation. I was told give everything to God through Mary but felt I was handing something off to Him. I finally realized it wasn't a hand off,But more like having arms so full that everything is going to fall and allowing Him to catch not only what I carried, but my whole being, to fall right into His arms. There will be No validation. It is just a uncontrolled letting go so he helps to carry whatever the burden might be. I feel today, maybe I have been given a glimpse of His true love.

Saturday, February 7, 2009