Listening to our crucified Jesus

As we sang Hosanna in the highest and proudly held the palms to be blessed by our priest, I brought myself spiritually back to that very day. I reflected on how the people reverently spread their cloaks and palm branches they had cut from the fields. All cried," Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" How could such a beautiful and reverent moment turn and become the passion and death of our Lord and Savior? I felt it the moment mass ended and our beautiful reverent church seemed to turn into a conference hall. With the last note of the recessional song, all reverence to His importance turned to disregard. Like He had left the building, and and maybe our conscience.
I spent this Lenten season trying my best to understand God's will for me at this time in my life, listening to our crucified Jesus and giving in to the "trust" he asked of me when he died for ME and my sins. I feel He allowed me to understand how so often we live day to day never taking the time to listen to the Father. Disregarding His guidelines, the ones that offered Eternal life, the same words that he gave Moses. How is it, one minute we are praising and honoring Him and the next our wretchedness allows us to deny Him again and again, from fear of religious persecution, or maybe a simple inconvenience for that matter. I sometimes feel like a part of that crowd which was so easily swayed to allow the Crucifixion of the man they had promised loyalty. I see this happening and keep asking myself how long can this go on before our feasting turns into destruction and death. The Jesus that had been hiding in the desert has come out and revealed to us once more, the realness that His death was given to us as the greatest gift ever. Somehow, I feel that we are missing the chance to accept his mercy, assuring Him that his passion and death is reverently and humbly acknowledged. I will not allow this Lenten season to pass without throwing myself at his feet and washing myself in the ocean of His mercy. Jesus I TRUST that you will show me the way to the Father as you promised. With your help, I will not follow the crowd, but quietly kneel with my eyes fixed on Your wounds.

Trust looks like the son of God

How I love Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego. When I heard their words this morning my heart ached that I might have that faith. When confronted with a torturous death in a white hot furnace for not worshiping a statue made by their king they felt no need for defence. They explained that God who they serve can save them, but even if He chose not to, they still would not give in to King Nebuchadnezzar's threats.
How easily I stifle my words or thoughts for fear of alienating the people near me, my friends and family. Why do I feel the intimidation of this world pulling me away from what is truly right and back into the silence and comfort of religious acceptance. I know this isn't right. I must stand bravely in front of that furnace knowing that if I place myself totally in His care, Jesus will be with me walking through that fire. "Blessed be the God of Shadrack, Meshach, and Abednego, who sent his angel to deliver the servants who trusted in Him."
Daniel 3:14-20, 91-91,95

Sweet Jesus, Show yourself

I have been learning a lot about dementia lately. A condition that use to cause me anxiety and sleepless nights. My mind has never been that great so I always worried that that would be my demise. I have been asked to bring Jesus to the memory support unit at a local nursing home. The patients struggle with every different stage of memory loss. I found a friend in the hall and she asked me as a stranger if I could help her and her friend find her way home. I told her of course, I knew where she lived and would be glad to take her there. When I brought her to her room she asked me if I was sure this was where she was staying,not recognising her roommate or any of her things. She started to cry telling me how she was so lonely, how her son was busy working and how she was perfectly well and needed to go home. Tomorrow she insisted, she was going home. How could I console her? I just took both hands and told her that she wasn't alone, she had a wonderful roommate who watched after her. Then she caught sight of some rosary beads I had brought her and said calmly, "I'm not alone. I have HIM. " Please dearest Jesus, when these women's thoughts get locked away where they can't reach them, show yourself. Sweet Mother Mary hold them in your arms like you did your son. Hear my prayers.

All I do is for Him

Why am I always feeling so separate from old friends and loved ones. Seeing what is happening in our world it makes me wonder what Jesus wants of me today. I want so deeply to remind others of God's gift of repentance in the sacrament of reconciliation but people are waiting for some new sign. I have heard "they have listened but do not hear." Why is this? I don't know if I will ever understand God's gifts of free will. A friend told me that maybe for now God was asking me to sit and wait. I feel that I may also be one of those always looking for some new miracle. I realize I have to let all thoughts of order and organized efforts go. Jesus is in charge! We have seen and heard his words. Maybe for now, He is done speaking, done giving great miracles. Maybe he is tucked away hiding because His time has not yet come. I have to remind myself that no matter what, all that He has and will do is for me. Likewise I remind myself all that I do is for Him. No matter how small the task. All for the love of my Jesus.

Mercy and Love

The opening prayer of sunday mass was for me. We often say that in our family. Like Jesus himself picked that verse just for me to hear. It went like this;" Father you taught us to overcome our sins by prayers, fasting and works of mercy. When we are discouraged by our weakness, give us confidence in your love...." I wrote this on Sunday and now on Wednesday I really see what I thought I knew.
I have been struggling with a sin of judgement. I know I'm not allowed to judge but the thoughts keep creeping into my mind. Why does this person do the things he does. I was reminded that he is Jesus, not just a part of him, all of him. Still I couldn't or maybe can't seem to get past things. Today I was given the lesson of the prayer. On Wednesday's I drive people to see a Rabbi that has a gift of prophecy and meets with christians to share inspirational thought. I can't explain it, but I feel Jesus wants me there. At first I thought it was for me. We would go, I was able to share with like minded people, prayers and encouragement. Somehow I ended up being asked to drive 2 Jewish women a mother and daughter there. For weeks this has bothered me. It changed the whole day. No prayer, much worldly discusion,etc.etc. No matter how much I wanted to say NO, I don't want this, I want it the way it was, a ME day, I kept hearing "what so ever you do to the least of my brothers.........me." Today one of them, the daughter, fell apart at the seams, explaining how awful her life was, details that I don't care to share. The mother explained how difficult it was for her......I found myself saying to this girl and her mother," You have to forgive and go on, forgiving over and over no matter how many times it takes. Seventy times seven if that is what it takes and while doing this you also have to put all of your trust in Adonai (God in our terms). Why was it so easy to say and so hard to hear myself? I have no idea, but maybe it is in these works of mercy that He teaches clearly how to overcome sin.

Transfiguration

I read about the three on the mountain. How they were so captivated by His transfiguration that they wished to pitch tents and live with Him just as in that moment. I find myself often doing just as Peter, James and John, basking in the light of His love. I don't want to move for fear I may step out of that light back into the darkness of this world. But, I come back to the world with desires greater than can be imagined by most. It's funny how he calls some of us so intimately that we feel drawn to drop everything and follow. It's my understanding that there is talk of some sort of awakening, or warning that will come. The Blessed virgin speaks of it. I sometimes wonder if some of us have already received that warning. The understanding of how wrong we were about our lives. I felt I was okay,I went to church on Sunday and holy days. I lived what I thought to be a good life, never understanding the reality of His presence. All of a sudden He was in my head helping me make choices, preaching, reminding me of every word I heard at mass. I felt so drawn to be near him, maybe I thought I might sit at His right hand. I don't know. I don't really think so, but I can understand how James and John, witnessing that light first hand might, have believed that they were called to be that close to Him. Why is it that my ego might for a moment desire to bask in His glory? All that I know is that even after the gifts and graces that he allows me to share, he always reminds me of the cup he was asked to drink. I have to remember to follow closely, but understand that I have no say as to what my part in all of this is, but try to follow willingly, carrying that cross and drinking from the cup. It is only in this act of true faith that I may be allowed in the smallest of ways to help in the redemption.

Allow me again Lord, to fall completely into your love

I don't watch much television, when it does happen I like to think it was His choice a break or something. A small outing you might say given from Him. I find no use for television. People think odd of me for that, but I never chose to stop watching. He chose for me. One day I just stopped. Now I have time to sit and read and meditate. I find that silence is my best company.
My favorite silence is in the darkness of the early morning. I sit on the floor in the darkness talking to Him. I ask Him how I should feel about things and how He feels about my reaction to matters of the day before. The best thing is His prospective is always surer, always gentler then mine. How is it that my thoughts realign so quickly when smoothed out by his gentle guidance. Why then, don't I give everything to Him. I want to, but yet stop myself. I want so badly to trust in all matters that He guides me, yet worry my humanness gets between us. How do I fix that? My prayers of this consume my sleep. I find myself at every conscious moment pleading with Him. Purify my thoughts Lord. I pray Jesus I trust in you, yet wonder how sure is that trust. Allow me today Lord, to let go again, and fall completely into you love.