Getting past rule #7

The Rule of the secular Franciscan Order,rule 7 instructions for novices: Obedience " The church speaks ,Like all Christians, the laity should promptly accept in Christian obedience what is decided by the pastors, who as teachers and rulers of the Church, represent Christ........
Will I make it past this rule and profess as a Secular Franciscan in October? This is my stumbling block. To profess or not to profess. What is God's will for me. The more I ask, the more he magnifies the lesson:

If you read my blog you know this week gave me lessons in humility. Besides the one I mentioned there is the one I will not mention having nothing to do with this. Any way I found it very fitting that Friday morning's gospel,Mathew 13:54-58 reminded me how Jesus could not preach in His own home town. Now you may say I am glorifying my own worth comparing myself to Jesus, but I do believe every mass has a lesson if we have our ears open to hear it. I love to pray. I love group prayer, devotions, community. My Pastor doesn't always encourage group devotional prayer. I am better not explaining. I on the other hand feel God waits to hear our prayer, especially as a group or parish. I felt that joining the Secular Franciscans might give me what I needed. I long for that spiritual community. Yet, My Seculars are lead by my pastor. So I feel it's not a good fit. Every day I battle with myself,"To profess or not to profess". I can't get past it. God knows my joys and has allowed me to become a cantor at my church. I stand at the lectern facing my parish family and bare my soul. My blood pours out on the altar. Mary please let me use your words," My soul magnifies the Lord." This coming from a timid child who longed for acceptance and love of her own alcoholic father. How did it happen that He (God) let me slip in under the radar. Okay, so in the middle of this battle, He has sent his earthly servants to console my misery. I don't sing all the time, we have a schedule. On Friday while helping out at our local soup kitchen, I was asked when will I sing again at the 4'o'clock vigil. Then again this morning an older couple said as I was leaving our church, " Are you singing?" When I told them no I will be on the schedule later this month, they told me, they see my car and hope I will sing. "When will I sing again at the 10 o'clock mass." I thanked them for their kindness, and left with a smile. A friend said to me right after mass that she had been praying for me. She told me to be thankful that Jesus allows me to share in His rejection. I hadn't spoke to her but she also is a secular novice and knows my struggle. In the past few years my faith has grown like that mustard seed. I give God every single breath, asking Him to allow me to be His servant, His instrament. I know people see it. I can't hide it under a basket, it shines I know it does. So what do I do? I can't help but be reminded of words I heard while visiting Jesus, "HOME,...... when there is nothing else, I LOVE YOU." So for now I fight to stay in my parish hoping that He gives me the answer to my question before that October Date. Am I, that small child who longs for the love of her Father, strong enough to know that this is what He asks of me. I have to remember, when I bow at the foot of Christ, he may look like my pastor.

Keep your prayers to yourself !!!

This morning I had 2 different ideas to write in this blog, unfortunately a lesson in humility knocked the ideas right out of my head. I asked my pastor if I could please lead a prayer for priests before morning mass. In my heart I felt it was my place as a parishioner to pray for my priests. I thought many of the daily mass goers would agree and if they did would choose to join me. So, I asked. Well the answer I received was quite different than I imagined. I should have seen it coming. Why am I so naive. The answer I received was that people want their prayer life to be private, so keep your prayers to yourself. WOW!! That's all I want to say, except, thank you Father for reminding that when it comes to our parish, I am not in the "IN CROWD". I almost forgot! God Bless you. Sweetest Jesus and God Our Father, in the silence of my heart please hear me pray. Bless Our Priests

Small offerings are precious before God

So many days have passed since I have found the time to write in this blog. I can't let today's readings pass without speaking about them. Hearing of the servant of Elisha in the Book of Kings 4: 42-44 and then again Philip questioning Jesus on how he or any of the disciples could begin to feed the crowds in John's Gospel6:1-15 reminded me of my own feelings of inadequacy. As anyone who reads my blog knows I have felt Jesus asking me to be His precious cup. This always amazed me, because we so often hear that we are dust, clay or something more dirty and unformed than a precious cup. Yet over and over again when I have approach Him at communion I found myself begging Him to allow me to be His hands, His feet, His mouth. To be allowed to carry Him out to the world to be received by people that don't come into His church. Or maybe bring Him to people who come, but haven't met Him as intimately as I have. And over and over He shows me through grace that I can do just that. It never happens as planned, but most often in some unexpected way, after the fact I can say, "Thank you Jesus", " Thank you God" for allowing that. I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to be like that boy who offers his 5 loaves and 2 fish innocently. Jesus excepts his offering and multiplies or magnifies it. I never want to let go of the child like innocence of that, but like the disciples I find myself saying why am I hear? How can I possibly do what you are asking. I bring doubt into the scenario and doubt stifles the works of God.
Please let me humbly share words I woke to one morning. I shared them when I first started this blog. I want to share them again. I have to believe that through prayer and offering of myself to be used as that precious cup, my small offering can become much more than I could ever imagine for myself.

You know my child, every Sabbath that reigns on you, rains like stars from the heavens. You must offer up all of your gifts at His banquet so as to anoint yourself as an offering to him. He will accept your gifts and lead you into a place closer than you have ever been before. My child, know that I am with you. I hold you now because you are my child. I love you as I do all my children. You must enter into my presence today, so I may help you through these feelings you are having. You are not alone. I am with you.

I can't explain the words, but know they have taught me that I am that small offering, no matter how inadequate. All I have to do is place myself at His feet. He will do the rest.

Mary Magdalene be with my children

I can't let today go by without mentioning my love for Mary Magdalene. She has been there for me from the beginning of my reawakening. She is my 18 year old daughter's patron saint. Today my 2 children joined me for morning mass. How wonderful. I ask at this moment for her to intercede for me in regard to my 2 children. " Mary Magdalene I know you are here with us. I feel your presence. Thank you."

Lead by the hand by Our Mother

This week I started my renewal of consecration to our Blessed Mother. Little did I know when I thought about my renewal this year, that it would become such an education. I decided to follow the Louis De Monteforte form of consecration. This was a book my son shared with me for my first consecration in 2007, I decided to reuse it this year. I had read a book MY IDEAL JESUS SON OF MARY in 2007 and 2008 but decided to read something different this year. I decided I had to try to educate myself on Mary because of something someone (a catholic) said to me at the Jesus Fest I participated in. This person would not agree with me that Mary WAS "the Immaculate Conception". He said that was impossible she was human. I fought to convince him otherwise without raising my voice or blood pressure. I decided that I had to learn a lot more about Our Mother in order to defend her with other Christians and Catholics I guess? Now that I think of it, many Catholics think Jesus was the immaculate conception and I have to admit that there was a time I thought He was that myself. I was a child of the 1960's -1970's and I don't really remember learning any of that. Well anyway, I went through the books my son gave me for Christmas(Recycled from his Maryology course at Franciscan University) and decided to read CONTEMPORARY INSIGHTS ON THE FIFTH MARIAN DOGMA. (edited my Dr.Mark Maravalle, my sons professor)I only picked it up today because I am busy on Martha's Vineyard helping with a visit from Honorable Marie Laurence Jocelyn Lassegue, Haiti's Minister of Women's affairs and Rights.( That's another Mary story) It amazes me, how things work. This morning I consecrated to the two hearts because it is the celebration of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. Then right from the start, the book tells that the fifth dogma formally unites those two heart. I haven't read very much of it, I am not even sure if the fifth dogma came to be, although I know we do have devotion to both now. I guess before August 15 when I renew my consecration I will know so much more about Mary and how she became coredemtrix. I hope I said that right.
"Sweet Mother Mary, I know you are asking for my defence, but never imagined how you would tie everything together like a Christmas package for me." WOW! I am such a simple small wife and mother that is being lead by the hand by Our Mother. All I had to do was ask.

Jesus will be there, so will I

I have been called to represent my faith(Roman Catholic) at the Jesus Fest in my area. This was revealed to me through prayer in front of the blessed sacrament. So many different things confirmed my thoughts and prayers, so I inquired and made arrangements to be there. Many people in my community have warned me, even tried to convince me to bale out. Maybe run as fast an far away from this event as I can. I don't even think they have attended the event. Still with the support of my husband I will be there to share my love of Jesus with whomever comes to my table. I feel that there is something wrong with the walls that have sprung up between christian faiths. I have NO right to judge. If there is a celebration for Jesus, I AM GOING TO BE THERE.

Words I read at morning prayer: Romans 14: 12-13, 17-19
"Every one of us will have to give an account of himself before God. Therefore we must no longer pass judgement on one another, Instead you should resolve to put no stumbling blocks or hindrance in your brother's way.The Kingdom of God is not a matter of eating or drinking, but of justice, peace, and the joy that is given by the Holy Spirit. Whoever serves Christ in this way pleases God and wins the esteem of men. Let us, then, make it our aim to work for peace and to strengthen one another."

When the Holy spirit places so strongly into my heart and mind an action like this, I have to trust. I can not let the evils of the world discourage me. Jesus will be there! So will I.

Reflecting on Abraham

I can't help but reflect on today's 1st reading Genesis 22:1b-19. "God put Abraham to the test." Anyone who reads the bible or listens at mass knows Abraham is asked to offer his only son. I want so badly to follow in the footsteps of Abraham. Many times God has led me into a fear filled situation. I try with all my being to follow His will. My struggle is that as soon as I do it, I start to doubt. I know in my head, doubt doesn't come from the Lord. Please Jesus from this moment, I hand my whole life over to you. I can't give you half of my heart. Take it all. Leave me with noting, because unless you hold my whole heart I will always worry that I may want something left for myself. But, if I give it all to you, I will have nothing to lose. I am yours Lord, I am yours, do with me as you will.