Mercy and Love

The opening prayer of sunday mass was for me. We often say that in our family. Like Jesus himself picked that verse just for me to hear. It went like this;" Father you taught us to overcome our sins by prayers, fasting and works of mercy. When we are discouraged by our weakness, give us confidence in your love...." I wrote this on Sunday and now on Wednesday I really see what I thought I knew.
I have been struggling with a sin of judgement. I know I'm not allowed to judge but the thoughts keep creeping into my mind. Why does this person do the things he does. I was reminded that he is Jesus, not just a part of him, all of him. Still I couldn't or maybe can't seem to get past things. Today I was given the lesson of the prayer. On Wednesday's I drive people to see a Rabbi that has a gift of prophecy and meets with christians to share inspirational thought. I can't explain it, but I feel Jesus wants me there. At first I thought it was for me. We would go, I was able to share with like minded people, prayers and encouragement. Somehow I ended up being asked to drive 2 Jewish women a mother and daughter there. For weeks this has bothered me. It changed the whole day. No prayer, much worldly discusion,etc.etc. No matter how much I wanted to say NO, I don't want this, I want it the way it was, a ME day, I kept hearing "what so ever you do to the least of my brothers.........me." Today one of them, the daughter, fell apart at the seams, explaining how awful her life was, details that I don't care to share. The mother explained how difficult it was for her......I found myself saying to this girl and her mother," You have to forgive and go on, forgiving over and over no matter how many times it takes. Seventy times seven if that is what it takes and while doing this you also have to put all of your trust in Adonai (God in our terms). Why was it so easy to say and so hard to hear myself? I have no idea, but maybe it is in these works of mercy that He teaches clearly how to overcome sin.

Transfiguration

I read about the three on the mountain. How they were so captivated by His transfiguration that they wished to pitch tents and live with Him just as in that moment. I find myself often doing just as Peter, James and John, basking in the light of His love. I don't want to move for fear I may step out of that light back into the darkness of this world. But, I come back to the world with desires greater than can be imagined by most. It's funny how he calls some of us so intimately that we feel drawn to drop everything and follow. It's my understanding that there is talk of some sort of awakening, or warning that will come. The Blessed virgin speaks of it. I sometimes wonder if some of us have already received that warning. The understanding of how wrong we were about our lives. I felt I was okay,I went to church on Sunday and holy days. I lived what I thought to be a good life, never understanding the reality of His presence. All of a sudden He was in my head helping me make choices, preaching, reminding me of every word I heard at mass. I felt so drawn to be near him, maybe I thought I might sit at His right hand. I don't know. I don't really think so, but I can understand how James and John, witnessing that light first hand might, have believed that they were called to be that close to Him. Why is it that my ego might for a moment desire to bask in His glory? All that I know is that even after the gifts and graces that he allows me to share, he always reminds me of the cup he was asked to drink. I have to remember to follow closely, but understand that I have no say as to what my part in all of this is, but try to follow willingly, carrying that cross and drinking from the cup. It is only in this act of true faith that I may be allowed in the smallest of ways to help in the redemption.

Allow me again Lord, to fall completely into your love

I don't watch much television, when it does happen I like to think it was His choice a break or something. A small outing you might say given from Him. I find no use for television. People think odd of me for that, but I never chose to stop watching. He chose for me. One day I just stopped. Now I have time to sit and read and meditate. I find that silence is my best company.
My favorite silence is in the darkness of the early morning. I sit on the floor in the darkness talking to Him. I ask Him how I should feel about things and how He feels about my reaction to matters of the day before. The best thing is His prospective is always surer, always gentler then mine. How is it that my thoughts realign so quickly when smoothed out by his gentle guidance. Why then, don't I give everything to Him. I want to, but yet stop myself. I want so badly to trust in all matters that He guides me, yet worry my humanness gets between us. How do I fix that? My prayers of this consume my sleep. I find myself at every conscious moment pleading with Him. Purify my thoughts Lord. I pray Jesus I trust in you, yet wonder how sure is that trust. Allow me today Lord, to let go again, and fall completely into you love.

Listening in the silence

During adoration I heard myself saying to Jesus; "I long for you in justice, judgement and truth." I often say things in prayer that I truly don't understand. It's like the words come through my heart and I listen like someone else is speaking. I always keep a journal in adoration which allows me to go back later and reread what I feel during our visit. How can we, such imperfect beings, begin to understand the love of God. He is there, He waits for us to kneel before His son. The one who came to give us all answers in our faith..

the straight path of righteousness

Why is it that lately I seldom hear sermons on repent. It's like the words that seem to mold my existence aren't heard or felt by others. Looking at some of my favorite saints I hear them speak of God's Mercy and His gifts of reconciliation. We heard it in church this past week, how no one was listening. They were following other god's. I think of souls to the likes of Noah and Jonah. How they heard God's plea to STOP AND LISTEN! Follow HIM! We are in a time of repentance right at this very moment. We must fast, pray, and quietly listen for His direction. Why then, am I feeling that somehow we got it all wrong. What if we had only forty days to convince God our Father that we are serious about following only His Son. Sadness sometimes overwhelms me. I feel we are following so many things of this world, before His son. So, today I fast, and I pray that maybe more would have the courage to remind us how weak we are. He will forgive us, but we must kneel before Him asking for forgiveness. Maybe, just maybe, people will see and follow.

Words I heard,
"We are to walk the straight path of righteousness so that the wisdom of God's love will shine forth upon us. We are to infuse our hearts with his teachings so that we may follow Him more precisely. We must trust that the loving arms of Mary, Our Mother will hold us lovingly in our times of distress. And, we must NEVER allow ourselves to be parted from Her loving embrace. She Is Our Mother.

Recognise Him and follow

Thoughts after mass; Deuteronomy 30:15-20 and Luke 9:22-25
"If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.................... whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.
I am so fortunate that almost every day I get to visit God our father hear His teachings and receive His son. Holy mass is a very big part of my life. I was taught to follow my spiritual to do's by a very kind priest. These were things I should practice daily. They include mass, rosary, spiritual reading and confession as often as I need it.

I sometimes wonder why my church is so empty on any given morning and especially this day, Thursday when my church has Holy Adoration from noon to 7:00pm. There are many times that I spend my 3:00 hour alone. Jesus IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Where are the people? What I'm thinking at this very moment is very selfish. "I love having the time alone with Him." It's just a thought. I know I have to share and would much prefer the house being so packed that no other person could enter.

I wonder why it seems so clear to me, the losing ones self part. A change came in my life and from that moment all that I wanted was to give every breath to Jesus. He capture my attention in a way that was bigger than anything I had ever experienced. All of a sudden "I HEARD" every mass was a lesson on how I was to live. God changed me from the inside and then the outside. I understood that so many of the things I thought were important didn't mean anything anymore. This to me was the losing oneself part. How do I explain this to people? I often don't. They wouldn't understand. I spend much of my time in silence now. I don't need so much to have every second of my life filled with the noise of this world. I do what needs to be done and then seek the comfort of HIM. It's not often easy, but I long to please Him. In my humanness I fall daily, but as Jesus did I stand up pick up my cross an walk. That is all any of us can do. I often sit and contemplate why and how God comes to each and every one of us so differently, but was reminded that so many questions in our faith will go unanswered until we meet Him. Then all will be clear. I can't help but wonder, if this were that last Lenten journey we were all allowed to take, would we be trying harder to follow more closely, not make excuses for this or that. I want to live like that. What if this is my last chance? My children's last chance? I feel if we don't turn to Him we are making a choice that is irreparable. I pray that all will be allowed to recognise Him and follow. And, I pray that God will hear this simple servant.

The simple reflection of You

Often as I approach the altar at communion I ask if He would please allow me to be his servant. I ask Mary his mother to teach me how to hold Him like she did. I have pictured the 13Th station when His broken body is placed in her arms. I want to feel the realness of that. I know that as I get closer to the celebrant I must prepare myself for that moment when I am allowed to Carry Him. "This is My body which has been given up for you". I may never understand this. Once in a while there have been times in my life that I have felt He has heard and answered me.
I must never be afraid to be a fool for Him. So often I am discouraged by people's words. I want so badly to be His hands, His feet, His lips. All I can do is listen carefully and do what I think he is asking of me. One morning I woke early and went running. I often run in the evening, but on this day I ran in the morning. I use to play this little game. What is your will,? Who would you like me to pray for today? As I ran and passed by people I would pray for them. I would imagine the story behind them and send off a little prayer to heaven hoping God would hear if they were the one I was suppose to be praying for that particular day. Anyway, for some reason on this day I felt drawn way out of my regular path of running a few miles away, to a hospital. I knelt and said my prayers and went on my merry way. On the way home again I felt drawn in a different direction. I found myself over on the other side of town and crossing the road ending up in an area of pedestrians. All of a sudden I found myself face to face with a homeless man. I stopped in front of him and said "Jesus loves you." Jesus loves you that's all I said. Now I had never been that bold before to say Jesus loves you to anyone nevermind approaching a homeless man who I had seen many times for many years and never once said a word to. When I got home I told the story to my husband and told him how I would never forget the look in his eyes when I told him that. It was like he had waited years to hear those words. We talked about maybe finding him and giving him a bible or something. A few days later I heard his body had been found behind a shop where he often sat. He had had a heart attack or something and died. I always wonder if Jesus let me be his His feet and His eyes and His heart that day. I will try to never be afraid to share His love with whomever, where ever he may ask me to bring it. We must be couragous in our faith quietly waiting and listening for that still small voice. I know it is there.
You fill me with such love. Lead me Lord, posess me, let me serve you with every breath. Allow me please to decrease until there is nothing left of me but the simple reflection of you.