Sweet Jesus, Show yourself

I have been learning a lot about dementia lately. A condition that use to cause me anxiety and sleepless nights. My mind has never been that great so I always worried that that would be my demise. I have been asked to bring Jesus to the memory support unit at a local nursing home. The patients struggle with every different stage of memory loss. I found a friend in the hall and she asked me as a stranger if I could help her and her friend find her way home. I told her of course, I knew where she lived and would be glad to take her there. When I brought her to her room she asked me if I was sure this was where she was staying,not recognising her roommate or any of her things. She started to cry telling me how she was so lonely, how her son was busy working and how she was perfectly well and needed to go home. Tomorrow she insisted, she was going home. How could I console her? I just took both hands and told her that she wasn't alone, she had a wonderful roommate who watched after her. Then she caught sight of some rosary beads I had brought her and said calmly, "I'm not alone. I have HIM. " Please dearest Jesus, when these women's thoughts get locked away where they can't reach them, show yourself. Sweet Mother Mary hold them in your arms like you did your son. Hear my prayers.

All I do is for Him

Why am I always feeling so separate from old friends and loved ones. Seeing what is happening in our world it makes me wonder what Jesus wants of me today. I want so deeply to remind others of God's gift of repentance in the sacrament of reconciliation but people are waiting for some new sign. I have heard "they have listened but do not hear." Why is this? I don't know if I will ever understand God's gifts of free will. A friend told me that maybe for now God was asking me to sit and wait. I feel that I may also be one of those always looking for some new miracle. I realize I have to let all thoughts of order and organized efforts go. Jesus is in charge! We have seen and heard his words. Maybe for now, He is done speaking, done giving great miracles. Maybe he is tucked away hiding because His time has not yet come. I have to remind myself that no matter what, all that He has and will do is for me. Likewise I remind myself all that I do is for Him. No matter how small the task. All for the love of my Jesus.

Mercy and Love

The opening prayer of sunday mass was for me. We often say that in our family. Like Jesus himself picked that verse just for me to hear. It went like this;" Father you taught us to overcome our sins by prayers, fasting and works of mercy. When we are discouraged by our weakness, give us confidence in your love...." I wrote this on Sunday and now on Wednesday I really see what I thought I knew.
I have been struggling with a sin of judgement. I know I'm not allowed to judge but the thoughts keep creeping into my mind. Why does this person do the things he does. I was reminded that he is Jesus, not just a part of him, all of him. Still I couldn't or maybe can't seem to get past things. Today I was given the lesson of the prayer. On Wednesday's I drive people to see a Rabbi that has a gift of prophecy and meets with christians to share inspirational thought. I can't explain it, but I feel Jesus wants me there. At first I thought it was for me. We would go, I was able to share with like minded people, prayers and encouragement. Somehow I ended up being asked to drive 2 Jewish women a mother and daughter there. For weeks this has bothered me. It changed the whole day. No prayer, much worldly discusion,etc.etc. No matter how much I wanted to say NO, I don't want this, I want it the way it was, a ME day, I kept hearing "what so ever you do to the least of my brothers.........me." Today one of them, the daughter, fell apart at the seams, explaining how awful her life was, details that I don't care to share. The mother explained how difficult it was for her......I found myself saying to this girl and her mother," You have to forgive and go on, forgiving over and over no matter how many times it takes. Seventy times seven if that is what it takes and while doing this you also have to put all of your trust in Adonai (God in our terms). Why was it so easy to say and so hard to hear myself? I have no idea, but maybe it is in these works of mercy that He teaches clearly how to overcome sin.

Transfiguration

I read about the three on the mountain. How they were so captivated by His transfiguration that they wished to pitch tents and live with Him just as in that moment. I find myself often doing just as Peter, James and John, basking in the light of His love. I don't want to move for fear I may step out of that light back into the darkness of this world. But, I come back to the world with desires greater than can be imagined by most. It's funny how he calls some of us so intimately that we feel drawn to drop everything and follow. It's my understanding that there is talk of some sort of awakening, or warning that will come. The Blessed virgin speaks of it. I sometimes wonder if some of us have already received that warning. The understanding of how wrong we were about our lives. I felt I was okay,I went to church on Sunday and holy days. I lived what I thought to be a good life, never understanding the reality of His presence. All of a sudden He was in my head helping me make choices, preaching, reminding me of every word I heard at mass. I felt so drawn to be near him, maybe I thought I might sit at His right hand. I don't know. I don't really think so, but I can understand how James and John, witnessing that light first hand might, have believed that they were called to be that close to Him. Why is it that my ego might for a moment desire to bask in His glory? All that I know is that even after the gifts and graces that he allows me to share, he always reminds me of the cup he was asked to drink. I have to remember to follow closely, but understand that I have no say as to what my part in all of this is, but try to follow willingly, carrying that cross and drinking from the cup. It is only in this act of true faith that I may be allowed in the smallest of ways to help in the redemption.

Allow me again Lord, to fall completely into your love

I don't watch much television, when it does happen I like to think it was His choice a break or something. A small outing you might say given from Him. I find no use for television. People think odd of me for that, but I never chose to stop watching. He chose for me. One day I just stopped. Now I have time to sit and read and meditate. I find that silence is my best company.
My favorite silence is in the darkness of the early morning. I sit on the floor in the darkness talking to Him. I ask Him how I should feel about things and how He feels about my reaction to matters of the day before. The best thing is His prospective is always surer, always gentler then mine. How is it that my thoughts realign so quickly when smoothed out by his gentle guidance. Why then, don't I give everything to Him. I want to, but yet stop myself. I want so badly to trust in all matters that He guides me, yet worry my humanness gets between us. How do I fix that? My prayers of this consume my sleep. I find myself at every conscious moment pleading with Him. Purify my thoughts Lord. I pray Jesus I trust in you, yet wonder how sure is that trust. Allow me today Lord, to let go again, and fall completely into you love.

Listening in the silence

During adoration I heard myself saying to Jesus; "I long for you in justice, judgement and truth." I often say things in prayer that I truly don't understand. It's like the words come through my heart and I listen like someone else is speaking. I always keep a journal in adoration which allows me to go back later and reread what I feel during our visit. How can we, such imperfect beings, begin to understand the love of God. He is there, He waits for us to kneel before His son. The one who came to give us all answers in our faith..

the straight path of righteousness

Why is it that lately I seldom hear sermons on repent. It's like the words that seem to mold my existence aren't heard or felt by others. Looking at some of my favorite saints I hear them speak of God's Mercy and His gifts of reconciliation. We heard it in church this past week, how no one was listening. They were following other god's. I think of souls to the likes of Noah and Jonah. How they heard God's plea to STOP AND LISTEN! Follow HIM! We are in a time of repentance right at this very moment. We must fast, pray, and quietly listen for His direction. Why then, am I feeling that somehow we got it all wrong. What if we had only forty days to convince God our Father that we are serious about following only His Son. Sadness sometimes overwhelms me. I feel we are following so many things of this world, before His son. So, today I fast, and I pray that maybe more would have the courage to remind us how weak we are. He will forgive us, but we must kneel before Him asking for forgiveness. Maybe, just maybe, people will see and follow.

Words I heard,
"We are to walk the straight path of righteousness so that the wisdom of God's love will shine forth upon us. We are to infuse our hearts with his teachings so that we may follow Him more precisely. We must trust that the loving arms of Mary, Our Mother will hold us lovingly in our times of distress. And, we must NEVER allow ourselves to be parted from Her loving embrace. She Is Our Mother.