Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Spiritual poverty

I have been learning what spiritual poverty is. I really feel that maybe God has allowed me to enter yet another room in my library of faith . I can't explain it exactly, but I feel I am being taught how to leave myself out of many decisions. It's like every morning,I leave on a journey without knowing it's destination. I really don't know how I have been allowed to go this far, but day by day minute by minute he leads me. She leads me. All I know is that when I live this way it allows Him to decide the outcome. In the midst of all of this I have been hampered by a case of tendinitis. The doctor has told me to rest my arm for a few weeks. That seemed okay until my computer crashed. It is now out at a shop. I probably will be another week without it. I really miss reading every one's blogs. I borowed this mac book to see what I have missed. There isn't enough time to read anything only see that I have missed a lot. I almost feel okay without any of it. So, for now I take a break from My Blog, email Etc. Maybe next week I will be back. Maybe at the moment my journey is better unshared. Peace to all of you!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Giving all to Him through Mary

As you well know I have given my total consecration to Jesus through His Mother. She pulled together all the loose ends and gave me 2 days filled with prayers and song and everything that I might want to offer to God through Her loving hands. On Sunday I no sooner knelt in front of the Blessed Sacrament to pray for humility, when I got slammed . Why is it when we decide to give everything to Him, people can't understand. I am now in a position where I must decide whether or not to give up my cantoring. I know that this gift might be to close to my heart, but am not quite sure what She wants. For me this is a way to show my faith to others. I am so lost at this moment. I prayed about this for hours yesterday. What I felt was Mary is leading me, don't turn back, Don't conform to the pressures of the secular world. This means step away! I ask that anyone that reads this blog prays for me. That I may give everything to Him, even my most cherished music ministry.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Ave Maria, I love you

I have been very bust trying to complete all lessons Our Virgin has planned in preparation for my renewed consecration this Saturday. Let me just ask for your prayers that through her intercession, Mary the mediatrix of all graces might lead me closer to the Father and His divine will for my life.

O Mary Mother of God come into my heart that I may know you better
Clothe me with Your Holy Mantle that I may fear nothing
Allow me Mary, to rejoice in knowing your love for Jesus
Allow me Mary to cover my sins with the blood of Your Son
That his love may strengthen my faith
That my life may completely conform to the will of The Father
Sweetest Mother, bring me to the foot of the cross where I can see for myself the complete and profound love that has been poured out over me and the whole of creation
Allow me Mary to open myself fully to the gifts and graces you are holding for me
That I might share them with all that I meet
Mary, giver of all graces, I beg you now to be fully inspired by these gifts and to follow you to the kingdom
Ave Maria, I love you.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Thank you, Saint John Vianney

I went to mass this morning at a neighboring church. I find it very comfortable there no air conditioning which I prefer. The people are so friendly and kind. I am always remembered by name to join in during the rosary which is recited by the parish at 6:30 a.m. It amazes me how different this parish is than mine. The people hardly know me yet they have invited my husband and myself to holiday parties and out for coffee. I even went out for breakfast with the morning regulars last week. The pastor came and we (Around 12 people) talked about faith, courage, support.....
This other pastor didn't read today's chosen gospel, he chose Ezekiel 3: 18-21. The lesson was, If I say to the wicked man, You shall surely die; and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his wicked conduct so that he may live: that wicked man shall die for his sin, but I will hold you responsible for his death.If, on the other hand, you have warned the wicked man, yet he has not turned away from his evil nor from his wicked conduct, then he shall die for his sin, but you shall save your life.... This passage always scared me, how could I be stong and pure in my warning without any judgement. So I tried to get all of my work done, but I couldn't stop thinking about things, What was God showing me. So I went to see what the Gospel was for today. As you all know it was the walking on water passage, Mathew 14 "O you of little faith." This is what I ended up reading:
The meditation for today from the MAGNIFICAT
Being Strong In Our Faith
What do we see in the greater number of Christians? Alas, a feeble and tepid faith... What use do we make, my brethren, of the precious gifts of our faith, and of the means of salvation which we find in the bosom of the Catholic Church? What connection is there between our manner of living and the sanctity of our religion? Can we say , my brethren, that our life corresponds with the precepts of the Gospel, with the example that Jesus Christ has given us? This is to say, do we love poverty, humiliation, and contempt? Do we prefer Christianity above all honors, and everything which this world possesses and desires? Do we entertain that respect, that longing, and that zeal to draw all graces we can from the sacraments, which our Lord so lavishly bestows upon us? Let us examine ourselves on this question, my brethren. Alas! how numerous and bitter are reproaches which we must make to ourselves regarding these questions!.... If you hear the Word of God, listen immediately; be strong in your faith in spite of difficulties, and never allow it to waiver, but preserve it constantly; so that you, with the wise Men,will have the grace of beholding your God face to face.
I can't even begin to thank our Lord for letting me hear that Gospel, For allowing me to read the words of Saint John Vianney, and once again this day allowing me to understand that It has to be my actions that I worry about. No matter what parish, what priest, what words I end up hearing, He is always in control. Teaching ME how to be his humble servant.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Getting past rule #7

The Rule of the secular Franciscan Order,rule 7 instructions for novices: Obedience " The church speaks ,Like all Christians, the laity should promptly accept in Christian obedience what is decided by the pastors, who as teachers and rulers of the Church, represent Christ........
Will I make it past this rule and profess as a Secular Franciscan in October? This is my stumbling block. To profess or not to profess. What is God's will for me. The more I ask, the more he magnifies the lesson:

If you read my blog you know this week gave me lessons in humility. Besides the one I mentioned there is the one I will not mention having nothing to do with this. Any way I found it very fitting that Friday morning's gospel,Mathew 13:54-58 reminded me how Jesus could not preach in His own home town. Now you may say I am glorifying my own worth comparing myself to Jesus, but I do believe every mass has a lesson if we have our ears open to hear it. I love to pray. I love group prayer, devotions, community. My Pastor doesn't always encourage group devotional prayer. I am better not explaining. I on the other hand feel God waits to hear our prayer, especially as a group or parish. I felt that joining the Secular Franciscans might give me what I needed. I long for that spiritual community. Yet, My Seculars are lead by my pastor. So I feel it's not a good fit. Every day I battle with myself,"To profess or not to profess". I can't get past it. God knows my joys and has allowed me to become a cantor at my church. I stand at the lectern facing my parish family and bare my soul. My blood pours out on the altar. Mary please let me use your words," My soul magnifies the Lord." This coming from a timid child who longed for acceptance and love of her own alcoholic father. How did it happen that He (God) let me slip in under the radar. Okay, so in the middle of this battle, He has sent his earthly servants to console my misery. I don't sing all the time, we have a schedule. On Friday while helping out at our local soup kitchen, I was asked when will I sing again at the 4'o'clock vigil. Then again this morning an older couple said as I was leaving our church, " Are you singing?" When I told them no I will be on the schedule later this month, they told me, they see my car and hope I will sing. "When will I sing again at the 10 o'clock mass." I thanked them for their kindness, and left with a smile. A friend said to me right after mass that she had been praying for me. She told me to be thankful that Jesus allows me to share in His rejection. I hadn't spoke to her but she also is a secular novice and knows my struggle. In the past few years my faith has grown like that mustard seed. I give God every single breath, asking Him to allow me to be His servant, His instrament. I know people see it. I can't hide it under a basket, it shines I know it does. So what do I do? I can't help but be reminded of words I heard while visiting Jesus, "HOME,...... when there is nothing else, I LOVE YOU." So for now I fight to stay in my parish hoping that He gives me the answer to my question before that October Date. Am I, that small child who longs for the love of her Father, strong enough to know that this is what He asks of me. I have to remember, when I bow at the foot of Christ, he may look like my pastor.