The Rule of the secular Franciscan Order,rule 7 instructions for novices: Obedience " The church speaks ,Like all Christians, the laity should promptly accept in Christian obedience what is decided by the pastors, who as teachers and rulers of the Church, represent Christ........
Will I make it past this rule and profess as a Secular Franciscan in October? This is my stumbling block. To profess or not to profess. What is God's will for me. The more I ask, the more he magnifies the lesson:
If you read my blog you know this week gave me lessons in humility. Besides the one I mentioned there is the one I will not mention having nothing to do with this. Any way I found it very fitting that Friday morning's gospel,Mathew 13:54-58 reminded me how Jesus could not preach in His own home town. Now you may say I am glorifying my own worth comparing myself to Jesus, but I do believe every mass has a lesson if we have our ears open to hear it. I love to pray. I love group prayer, devotions, community. My Pastor doesn't always encourage group devotional prayer. I am better not explaining. I on the other hand feel God waits to hear our prayer, especially as a group or parish. I felt that joining the Secular Franciscans might give me what I needed. I long for that spiritual community. Yet, My Seculars are lead by my pastor. So I feel it's not a good fit. Every day I battle with myself,"To profess or not to profess". I can't get past it. God knows my joys and has allowed me to become a cantor at my church. I stand at the lectern facing my parish family and bare my soul. My blood pours out on the altar. Mary please let me use your words," My soul magnifies the Lord." This coming from a timid child who longed for acceptance and love of her own alcoholic father. How did it happen that He (God) let me slip in under the radar. Okay, so in the middle of this battle, He has sent his earthly servants to console my misery. I don't sing all the time, we have a schedule. On Friday while helping out at our local soup kitchen, I was asked when will I sing again at the 4'o'clock vigil. Then again this morning an older couple said as I was leaving our church, " Are you singing?" When I told them no I will be on the schedule later this month, they told me, they see my car and hope I will sing. "When will I sing again at the 10 o'clock mass." I thanked them for their kindness, and left with a smile. A friend said to me right after mass that she had been praying for me. She told me to be thankful that Jesus allows me to share in His rejection. I hadn't spoke to her but she also is a secular novice and knows my struggle. In the past few years my faith has grown like that mustard seed. I give God every single breath, asking Him to allow me to be His servant, His instrament. I know people see it. I can't hide it under a basket, it shines I know it does. So what do I do? I can't help but be reminded of words I heard while visiting Jesus, "HOME,...... when there is nothing else, I LOVE YOU." So for now I fight to stay in my parish hoping that He gives me the answer to my question before that October Date. Am I, that small child who longs for the love of her Father, strong enough to know that this is what He asks of me. I have to remember, when I bow at the foot of Christ, he may look like my pastor.
