Sunday, February 14, 2010

My search for the truth

With only a few days left before lent, I am feeling pressed to figure out my Lenten offering. As I sit in prayer I seem to be getting more and more confused. I can't stop thinking about the idea that I am maybe living a double life. I may as well make the confession right here and now. As any regular readers of this blog know, I am a professed Secular Franciscan. BUT, and it is a BIG but, I have been feeling the pull away from my Franciscan Parish. I don't understand it myself. Every single day I pray for the truth, and the feelings I get make me more confused than ever. I have felt the desire to wear a head covering "Mantilla" and enjoy the Latin mass and maybe even just the reverence that I don't seem to be finding at my parish. I feel like a sinner because I flip flop from one church to the other. No one wears a head covering at my parish and as a regular cantor, I would be making a big stir. I don't know how to be strong enough to express my faith in this way at the parish I have been at for 20 something years. I feel like a hypocrite before God wearing a head covering one day at one church, and then not wearing one the next. Kneeling and receiving Eucharist at one church and standing at the other. I would have never imagined that my profession would pull me away instead of draw me in. I feel so lost. I can't stop hearing the last homily I heard from the "other priest". If you search for the truth, it will be given to you. I guess that is all I want to share.