Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Lenten offerings

I find myself asking the question "Is my offering enough"? I spent yesterday helping a woman whom I bring communion to. The thing is, the whole time I help her, I think of my own sister that I find very hard to help. She is very much like my sister. They both are very alone in their illness, not understood and mostly not helped by the medical system. As difficult as she may be, I try my best to be a helping hand for her. I want her to be well. I want her to find the help she needs to get through all of the red tape that clutters her existance. But, most of all I want to help my sister, even though she really doesn't want my help. She doesn't understand my life, my prayer, anything. She thinks I am a religious wierdo. I can't even write, it feels so painful. I don't know how to solve the issues that plague these two women, but wish I had a plan. For now I help one, wishing it were the other. Does that make any sense?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Saturday morning's mass and readings

Hearing the Prophet Isaiah in Saturday morning's 1st reading 58;9b-14 brought me right back into the spiritual confusion I have been feeling so strongly lately."......Then light shall rise for you in the darkness, and gloom shall become for you like midday; Then the Lord will guide you always........He will renew your strength, and you will be like a watered garden." It goes on and speaks about keeping holy the sabbath.
I am not feeling this light right now. I understand the light in my heart, but keep getting caught up between these 2 churches I am attending. Which way do I turn? I want to run away from my Franciscan parish that always speaks about "the spirit of the law", and towards the conservative traditional parish that always gives direct guidance in the homilies. Always teaching, always asking us to try to do 'more' just for God. But,as much as I feel the pull towards this parish, I also feel that our parish is my Franciscan family. For the life of me I don't understand. Where is this truth bringing me? For now I quietly pray and wait. It is in God's hands, never mine.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My search for the truth

With only a few days left before lent, I am feeling pressed to figure out my Lenten offering. As I sit in prayer I seem to be getting more and more confused. I can't stop thinking about the idea that I am maybe living a double life. I may as well make the confession right here and now. As any regular readers of this blog know, I am a professed Secular Franciscan. BUT, and it is a BIG but, I have been feeling the pull away from my Franciscan Parish. I don't understand it myself. Every single day I pray for the truth, and the feelings I get make me more confused than ever. I have felt the desire to wear a head covering "Mantilla" and enjoy the Latin mass and maybe even just the reverence that I don't seem to be finding at my parish. I feel like a sinner because I flip flop from one church to the other. No one wears a head covering at my parish and as a regular cantor, I would be making a big stir. I don't know how to be strong enough to express my faith in this way at the parish I have been at for 20 something years. I feel like a hypocrite before God wearing a head covering one day at one church, and then not wearing one the next. Kneeling and receiving Eucharist at one church and standing at the other. I would have never imagined that my profession would pull me away instead of draw me in. I feel so lost. I can't stop hearing the last homily I heard from the "other priest". If you search for the truth, it will be given to you. I guess that is all I want to share.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

"God IS Love"

I can be very shy about sharing words that come to my heart. But for today, I step out in faith and share.
Words heard in front of the Blessed Sacrament
"It's hard to imagine anything more or anything less. It's just you and me. We sit here in the silence of our hearts, yet we are joined as one. We unite our hearts in Love so as to strengthen your conviction towards the Father. It is His love that we strive for. I am only the (tool) vessel that holds his love. I bring it to you here today in this chapel, so then you can bring it to all you meet.(the world). Please hold His love preciously in your heart today and always. Keep it there waiting to come out and be shared. God IS Love, I AM Love, and now, you are Love. (Peace) Shalom!"

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Sanctification of all priests

Lately I have felt the urge to remove this blog. I just don't feel the desire to be writing it at the moment. I guess today I want to write about the holy mass and how different each parish can be. Today I went to a neighboring parish. The morning starts with a very early recitation of the rosary. I love hearing all of the people that enter and join in at what ever mystery we happen to be on. I feel it is a true witness of that devotion. This is in comparison to our parish where the women (all over the age of 75, but me 49) wait until everyone has left and the church is empty before they recite the rosary. Okay, I don't really know where I am going with this but In this same parish I have to pray for the priest whom,(God forgive me/ I feel doesn't prepare even for a minute for his homily. He appears to run in at the very last moment and give a 1 minute homily that always says the very same thing. For me it seems like that parish is being held together by the rosary. I find myself going just to pray for that priest. I won't even go on about that, just keep him in prayer. At my parish even though I don't feel the great devotionals and community prayer, I do feel I get a good homily from one young priest who incorporates both readings and what He (God) may want us to learn. I don't know what I wrote this for, but I guess during the year of priests we must understand the humanness of our priests and our parishes and keep all of thm in prayer. We must be thankful for what we have and sometimes that may take a visit to another church.

Today I pray for the sanctification of all priests! St John Vianney pray for us!