Sunday, February 14, 2010
My search for the truth
With only a few days left before lent, I am feeling pressed to figure out my Lenten offering. As I sit in prayer I seem to be getting more and more confused. I can't stop thinking about the idea that I am maybe living a double life. I may as well make the confession right here and now. As any regular readers of this blog know, I am a professed Secular Franciscan. BUT, and it is a BIG but, I have been feeling the pull away from my Franciscan Parish. I don't understand it myself. Every single day I pray for the truth, and the feelings I get make me more confused than ever. I have felt the desire to wear a head covering "Mantilla" and enjoy the Latin mass and maybe even just the reverence that I don't seem to be finding at my parish. I feel like a sinner because I flip flop from one church to the other. No one wears a head covering at my parish and as a regular cantor, I would be making a big stir. I don't know how to be strong enough to express my faith in this way at the parish I have been at for 20 something years. I feel like a hypocrite before God wearing a head covering one day at one church, and then not wearing one the next. Kneeling and receiving Eucharist at one church and standing at the other. I would have never imagined that my profession would pull me away instead of draw me in. I feel so lost. I can't stop hearing the last homily I heard from the "other priest". If you search for the truth, it will be given to you. I guess that is all I want to share.
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The word "universal" comes to mind as I read your beautiful reflection on searching for the truth.
ReplyDeleteAs we all know the Catholic Church is called called the universal church. Anytime I have ever traveled far from home I always felt at home whenever I stopped inside of one for mass or just a visit.
I think our love for God will always call us to go deeper in our search for Him. This search will always cause us to question ourselves , our motives, our paths.
St. James tells us that the testing of our faith produces perseverance..and that if we lack wisdom, we should ask God who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly.
God bless you in your journey.
I agreee with the beutiful comment made by dailygrace. Just keep praying for guidance and Our Dear Lord will provide the answer in His own good time and way.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is nice and I plan to visit often.