a fruitless harvest

I haven't been able to blog in a very long time it seems. But, figure that for today I will go a differnt route, just discuss some things that are on my mind. Today's readings in Hosea seem to magnify what has been on my heart lately.
" the stalk of grain that forms no ear can yield no flower.".........When Ephraim made many altars to expiate sin, his altars became occasions of sin.
The reason why I find it so difficult to write anything is that I feel like I am being torn in two. I find myself bouncing between 2 totally different Catholic Churches. I can find NO peace doing this. In my heart and in my prayers I hear the importants of reverance, in reparation. As much as I love my home Parish, I feel in faith that I have been shown that so many things are lacking or maybe exchanged for something new and modern. I see and feel the faith that is shared by us regular morning mass goers, but also feel so much is being lost. I desire so completely for our church to be restored. I want so badly for the tabernacle to return to the center of our church. In our parish the tabernacle is over to the side. A good percentage of seats in our church have an obstructed view. People come in genuflect to the St Domiano Icon and walk right past the tabernacle. Do they understand that HE is there? I don't feel it. Maybe that is why people are leaving the church, or comming to church but ignoring his commandments . I want to run! I am so tired of feeling that our Catholic faith has been replaced right in front of our eyes. I want to walk into my church and know that was is taught is good and true and pure teachings from Jesus himself. Does anyone else feel a little scared when they hear the readings? How can He be happy with a mass that focuses on the parish priest who sits high in a preciding chair in the exact spot that the tabernacle should be. I guess I may be babbling now, but this is partly why I don't write any more. I am at a loss for words. Pray for me will you please!

Life lessons in a disfunctional family

I spent the last two days taking care of some family matters. Most importantly meeting at probate court trying to finalize my Mother's estate. When My mother died I was named as the executrix. I don't think I did a very good job, but what I did try to do is share my faith in every situation. It has been very difficult because the faith life that I live, is not shared with any of my siblings. What I did hear was "God" coming out of the mouth of every single one of them. I am very thankful for that. I have prayed for their conversions. That maybe they would find their hidden faith. The seed was planted, hopefully they will recognise Him in their life more. I know he has been there. They just don't recognise him. Part of me wants to share all that I learned, but at the moment I am physically exhausted. Maybe another day!

Keeping all in the silence of my heart

I often wonder if I should remove my blogs from this site. I haven't been in a place that sharing my thoughts is important. God is at work in my life, but he is bringing me into places that I don't quite recognise or understand. It's like He is letting me know His heart. Something I have desired for a very long time. Maybe for now I just have to keep this intimacy in the silence of my heart.

Lenten offerings

I find myself asking the question "Is my offering enough"? I spent yesterday helping a woman whom I bring communion to. The thing is, the whole time I help her, I think of my own sister that I find very hard to help. She is very much like my sister. They both are very alone in their illness, not understood and mostly not helped by the medical system. As difficult as she may be, I try my best to be a helping hand for her. I want her to be well. I want her to find the help she needs to get through all of the red tape that clutters her existance. But, most of all I want to help my sister, even though she really doesn't want my help. She doesn't understand my life, my prayer, anything. She thinks I am a religious wierdo. I can't even write, it feels so painful. I don't know how to solve the issues that plague these two women, but wish I had a plan. For now I help one, wishing it were the other. Does that make any sense?

Saturday morning's mass and readings

Hearing the Prophet Isaiah in Saturday morning's 1st reading 58;9b-14 brought me right back into the spiritual confusion I have been feeling so strongly lately."......Then light shall rise for you in the darkness, and gloom shall become for you like midday; Then the Lord will guide you always........He will renew your strength, and you will be like a watered garden." It goes on and speaks about keeping holy the sabbath.
I am not feeling this light right now. I understand the light in my heart, but keep getting caught up between these 2 churches I am attending. Which way do I turn? I want to run away from my Franciscan parish that always speaks about "the spirit of the law", and towards the conservative traditional parish that always gives direct guidance in the homilies. Always teaching, always asking us to try to do 'more' just for God. But,as much as I feel the pull towards this parish, I also feel that our parish is my Franciscan family. For the life of me I don't understand. Where is this truth bringing me? For now I quietly pray and wait. It is in God's hands, never mine.

My search for the truth

With only a few days left before lent, I am feeling pressed to figure out my Lenten offering. As I sit in prayer I seem to be getting more and more confused. I can't stop thinking about the idea that I am maybe living a double life. I may as well make the confession right here and now. As any regular readers of this blog know, I am a professed Secular Franciscan. BUT, and it is a BIG but, I have been feeling the pull away from my Franciscan Parish. I don't understand it myself. Every single day I pray for the truth, and the feelings I get make me more confused than ever. I have felt the desire to wear a head covering "Mantilla" and enjoy the Latin mass and maybe even just the reverence that I don't seem to be finding at my parish. I feel like a sinner because I flip flop from one church to the other. No one wears a head covering at my parish and as a regular cantor, I would be making a big stir. I don't know how to be strong enough to express my faith in this way at the parish I have been at for 20 something years. I feel like a hypocrite before God wearing a head covering one day at one church, and then not wearing one the next. Kneeling and receiving Eucharist at one church and standing at the other. I would have never imagined that my profession would pull me away instead of draw me in. I feel so lost. I can't stop hearing the last homily I heard from the "other priest". If you search for the truth, it will be given to you. I guess that is all I want to share.